“My depression has never really got better.”

I started having symptoms of depression around 2008/09. Every little thing would get on top of me, like having to make a phone call for the child tax credit I was claiming at the time. It should have been simple, but I just ended up in tears and putting the phone down.

I felt more and more tired. I went to one doctor and she just simply said, “Well you’ve got four children- what do you expect?” So I kept going downhill really. Then my son told me to try another doctor. I just went in and burst into tears.

She immediately put me on tablets and signed me off work for two weeks, which was ok, but when I went back to work I was kind of made to feel like an alien and got a few looks from people. They never asked if I was OK, they just gave me those looks. One of my friends started to become distant (funnily enough the only one of my friends that knew at the time). My children knew as well, but that was it.

Symptoms of this horrible disease for me are crying (even when I can’t describe what I’m actually upset about), not being able to sleep, and paranoia that friends or family or people in general are talking about me in a negative way.

Going back to my friend, we had always been able to tell each other everything. But somehow telling her this (although at the time she said she understood and that she got “down sometimes” too), it wasn’t the same.

We still went out, but on occasions I didn’t feel like it and I would ask if she minded if I didn’t go. But then when I did feel up to it, she’d say, “Oh I don’t feel like going,” which was fine because I thought she genuinely didn’t feel up to it, but a couple of years later, I found out that she had made other arrangements with other people, for instance she invited me to meet for coffee (I was looking forward to it because we had become distant and I thought it would bring us back together) she cancelled because she felt very anxious.

I immediately said to her that I totally understand so not to worry. The next thing I see is her on Instagram in London with her sister going to see a show, the same day as we were supposed to meet up, so that friendship ended there. That was the final straw.

I also later found out (about five years ago) that my eldest daughter told my youngest daughter that, “Mum’s just doing to get attention”. This saddens me because at some time in her life she will probably experience depression too.

In fact she hasn’t been there for me at all because with any major things in our lives, she immediately tells me to stop crying. When she was pregnant with my first grandchild, she presented me with a Christmas card in a restaurant with a baby scan in it and told me to stop crying (I thought this was a fairly normal reaction). When my granddaughter was born quite poorly and premature, I went to visit her and whilst washing my hands, putting on the apron etc was told in no uncertain terms, “Don’t you dare cry.”

Only one of my four children have been supportive and that’s my son. He’s been my absolute rock in all of this and my other illnesses. I don’t work at the moment because of my RA (rheumatoid arthritis), but I’m hoping to be able to at some point.

My RA has had a huge impact on my depression. I had to give up my job as I was on my feet 12 hours a day (I worked in a care home). I had to have a knee replacement, but when I went to have final pre op checks, I couldn’t have operation as I was anaemic. I had to go to doctors to get it sorted and ended up in hospital for total of three weeks having tests trying to find out what was causing the anaemia.

I couldn’t walk by this time, was in a wheelchair and felt very unwell. I really did just want to die at this point. I was very, very low. They found out I had RA and I had treatment; blood transfusions, iron infusions and steroid infusions. I have now had both knee replacements and on many different medicines for the RA, with various side effects but I’m trying to push through.

My depression has never really got better. I changed (or rather asked my doctor to change) my tablets from Citalopram to a different brand. She put me on Sertraline. I have been on that a while but recently started getting very hot and sweaty.

My son was scrolling through TikTok and found someone saying how bad certain depression tablets are in the heat and to be careful, so I then looked at the side effects (I probably should have done that when I first got them). Anyway it was talking about a condition call Serotonin syndrome- it’s something you can get by mixing tablets and having too much Serotonin in your body.

The next morning I immediately called my doctor as soon as they opened at 8am. I was 37th in the queue, so by the time I got to speak to the receptionist, all appointments had been booked up. She asked about the situation. I explained and she told me to ring the next working day, so I told her I was coming off the Sertraline. I have obviously been cutting down slowly (I feel like shit) but determined to do this as the doctors don’t care and there’s no proper help.

Eventually a doctor rang me only because my blood pressure is very high (another side effect of Sertraline). He wanted to put me on statins. Instead of going back down to the roots of my illness, the solution seems to be to just chuck some more tablets down my throat (with more side effects). If I could access CBD I think it would help not only me but other people with all sorts of conditions.

Music helps a lot. If I’m not feeling like getting up and doing little things like brushing my teeth, showering, etc I put music on my phone and I would say 75% of the time it gets me up. I try and do meditation too.

Throughout the years I have often been told by people I have owned up to that I have depression, “Oh really? But you always seem or look so happy!” Unfortunately it’s called a mask- one that I put on before I go out, and take off when I get home, physically and mentally exhausted from the act that I have just performed (we should get Oscars for our performances).

I wish people that know me could walk in my shoes for a while, to see what it’s really like- how one minute you can be jumping around to music, to the next minute in tears. I can never really explain to someone, because I don’t understand it myself.

There is only one other person that knows what it’s like, and that’s my youngest son who also has depression and anxiety. I guess we have to keep each other going. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all mental illnesses go away because it’s the worst thing ever. If you have a physical illness or broken arm or leg, people can see you’re in pain, but mental illness is invisible to everyone apart from the person who is suffering.