“NPD and HPD in particular are so often vilified, but the reality is different when you live with them.”

I first thought, “Damn, I seem to struggle with stuff no one else struggles with,” at the age of around nine to twelve, which was when my family problems, losses and the start of puberty kind of collided. These circumstances have culminated in diagnoses as an adult of Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and I also have autism.

I present extremely flirty, which gets worse the more intoxicated I am, and is linked to my outer appearance. I, unfortunately for my case, am very pretty (damn it sounds wrong to even type that out) which has led to all types of molestation and varying ranges of sexual assault from the ages of 13-22. Sadly there are a lot of ways I have had to learn to control myself concerning my loudness and assertiveness too.

People see me as an arrogant bitch because of my knowledge of my own abilities and looks, which for me, a person with autism, is just a statement of fact. Also regarding interpersonal romantic relationships, most men shy away from ‘women like me’ because I seem too much to handle and come across as a ‘psycho’ – I’m not irrational, but my backbone is strong and when I without a doubt know I am in the right, I will die on that hill.

I show the typical ‘self-stager’ and ADHD-type vibes a lot of histrionics have, which paired with an IQ >165, ASD and NPD results in a fiery, volcano-ey type of entrepreneur/showstopper when I’m on my regular meds and routines. If I’m experiencing a crash, or a part of my support system flounders, it turns me into a shaking, crying heap for hours. Fun times. Quite frankly, my support system is the only way I survived – I’ve been extremely open from the start and they have been as supportive as they could have been, given their own circumstances.

I’ve been in therapy for depression, anxiety and anorexia since I was 13, but the diagnoses of borderline and everything that came afterwards was in February 2022 – so not that long ago. The diagnoses came through my psychiatrist, who also put me on the right medication immediately – namely an antidepressant and a neuroleptic (antipsychotic). I reacted pretty badly to the news with the worst crash of my life.

Up to that point I had fought tooth and nail for a conventional career in legal and business consulting and was almost finished with my studies and internships for it, so the diagnoses absolutely demolished everything I worked so hard for. It hasn’t been easy since then, but at the moment I’m coping very well and have picked up the ‘pieces’ of my life.

Most importantly, I’ve learned that I need to communicate my requirements for relationships of any kind to work. It’s mostly about making other people understand how my brain is wired and how different triggers affect me. I have to explain everything, all the time.

Whilst my symptoms of depression, anxiety and EDs are mostly known about, the ‘source diagnoses’ are almost always unknown to people or littered with misconceptions about them, so discussions are mostly around symptoms rather than conditions. I’m lucky to have people around me who want so learn though.

There are things I wish people knew about me. That I wake up everyday with the desire to be a good person that does good things, and that my illnesses don’t define me. Just the way a person has cancer, I have mental illnesses that make life harder for me. But that doesn’t make me an ‘abuser’ or anything like that. NPD and HPD in particular are so often vilified, but the reality is different when you live with them.

I hope that sharing my story at least helps one person keep the hope that you can lead a happy and successful life despite being ‘mentally impaired’.