“I can go from feeling hopeless and thinking that there is no way out to thinking I’ve got all the answers and I’m cured and won’t feel sadness again.”

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder/ Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder a couple of months ago but the diagnosis was suspected by professionals for longer, and by me, for even longer than that. Day to day I experience symptoms that impact my life, from not being able to communicate my thoughts and feelings to friends, to feeling overwhelmed at the thought of looking after myself because I don’t feel worthy and I’m scared to fail.

I have massively increased my self-awareness over the last few months; being able to recognise what might trigger those feelings (sometimes!), learning to accept that I experience things differently to others and most importantly- and something I am still working on- is not blaming myself.

I’m lucky to have two good friends who have stuck by me throughout the rollercoaster ride of the last few years. They’ve gone above and beyond what I would consider a friend’s role is, from making and attending appointments, looking after my medication when I couldn’t be trusted and picking up the phone when I’ve been in crisis.

I feel over the last year I’ve been able to recognise that although I’m sure my friends would do anything to help, I never felt good about myself with either expecting so much from them and then being disappointed when they can’t be there for me, or them feeling like they are permanently on-call incase I have a crisis. It made the friendships about me and my struggles.

I felt selfish, I wanted my friendships to be balanced and not to feel like a chore. I now have set boundaries within my friendships; I rarely call them in a crisis and I think and write about how something they’ve said or done makes me feel before replying impulsively and then consequently feeling regret and ashamed of my reply. It’s not been easy but I do feel like a better person and friend for it, because now I know they feel like they can talk to me about their own life and I can be there for them.

Unfortunately over the last year, my symptoms have begun creeping into my time at work. I did well for many years to control those thoughts and feelings while I was at work, but I haven’t been able to do that recently. I think- although it is embarrassing at times how I react in front of my colleagues who I’ve worked with for many years- it is a relief that I know I don’t have to pretend anymore, and even better there is a reason for reactions.

I have full support from my boss and managers which helps me to continue to work even when I don’t believe I’m worth the hassle that I can cause at work. I have always been honest when I’m struggling at work, which does help them know when I need space and can prevent me from feeling overwhelmed.

Like many other people, getting my diagnosis was not a smooth ride. I initially was diagnosed with depression and put onto anti-depressants. Some improvements were seen, but I never felt like me, so I was going up and down the doses on three different types of anti-depressants and wondering what was wrong with me for them not to work.

So at this point I moved doctor’s surgery (after waiting four days for them to return a phone call when I was in crisis) and was on my second GP at this surgery when I finally found a GP that not only listened to me but I had my first two-way conversation with. Straight away she told she thought I had BPD/EUPD and referred me for an assessment.

I’m currently waiting for treatment under the NHS but I’ve been seeing a private counsellor on and off for about 18 months, and attended Mind peer support groups and courses around mental health. I think the effort I’ve made to find my own ways to make life easier for myself has helped me learn tools to regulate my emotions and meet people in similar situations, so I feel less alone and can increase my self-awareness.

I am currently on anti-depressants (fourth time lucky!) and I’m on a dose that gives me enough energy to try to function each day. I had to accept that I had to find a medication and dose that made the most difference to me, but it was never going to be a treatment for the way I think, feel and act.

I feel the most challenging aspect of my condition is the rapid, ever-changing mood swings. I can go from feeling hopeless and thinking that there is no way out to thinking I’ve got all the answers and I’m cured and won’t feel sadness again. It doesn’t matter how many times I experience this and when I’m thinking rationally I know my mood will change, but in that moment when I feel either hopeless or untouchable, I truly believe that feeling is permanent so the disappointment and frustration I have at myself afterwards for believing those feelings is very upsetting.

Even though I thought I had BPD/EUPD for a while, the day I heard it was surreal. I remember being so annoyed at myself because I had planned in my head how I would react on this day. I would be so overwhelmed and there may have been tears, and I would be able to tell everyone because then I could finally be understood and my life would be normal again. Yes my expectations were high, so I felt disappointed that I wasn’t happy to receive my diagnosis and to this day I’m not sure why receiving the diagnosis made me feel shocked and numb.

I told my close friends about my diagnosis straight away. Since then I have been open about my diagnosis with friends and work colleagues. I told people in my own time and way, and it eventually became more natural and less effort was needed. My family are not aware of my diagnosis or my struggles, unfortunately mental health is not really understood in my family. I did tell my parents that I was diagnosed with depression at the start, but they were so upset and disappointed, and since that day they have never mentioned anything to me. Sometimes I think how will I ever accept myself if I can’t tell my family, but the thought of being a disappointment again makes me believe it is not worth the upset.

Everyone I’ve shared my diagnosis with has shown support in their own way. I’ve been asked numerous questions from, “Is that the same as bipolar?”, and, “But there is nothing wrong with your personality?” to, “Does that mean you have a drink problem?” One thing I have learnt since my diagnosis is that you can’t control what people think or say and that their views aren’t a reflection on me, but on them.

I believe my diagnosis has helped my close friends truly understand me and how I feel, knowing friends have done research for themselves to help them help me is a good feeling. Sometimes your struggles and the difficult situations you experience can highlight who is important in your life. My friends are my family, and I know I’m still here fighting each minute, hour and day because of them.

If I think really hard, I can believe there are some positives to my condition. I am very understanding of other people’s concerns or issues, and I am also very honest as I find that helps people understand me. Although there are times when I feel like I have a label which makes me different and misunderstood, most of the time I just see it as a condition. It’s a condition I have that I need support, treatment and understanding for. Yes, people can’t see it, which does make it difficult and which is why I do my best at being honest about how I’m feeling and thinking, because only then I’m allowing people the opportunity to understand me.

If people can’t understand me or dismiss the way I’m feeling, then that looks bad on them and not me. It doesn’t mean it still does not hurt, but I know I deserve to be surrounded by people who want to help, support and spend the time to understand me.

I would say there is stigma around having BPD/EUPD. I believe that it is mainly due to social media and the news. After my diagnosis, I invested a lot of time researching other people’s stories and probably used it as an indicator for my future, which did make me lose hope at regaining a livable life.

I believe that only way to improve stigma is people talking about their condition and sharing their experiences to help and educate others. I wish people knew we didn’t ask for or cause this condition, it’s not our fault we don’t know how to regulate our emotions and we have learnt unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect ourselves and survive.

I know it might sound like I have it all together and the answers but I really don’t. I do have more answers than I did, but I’m still learning- I probably always will be to some extent. I always use the phrase, “This has to mean something”. I mean the pain and suffering I experience has to have a purpose; there is a reason for me, and the journey I’m on. Even if it’s to help one person see their worth, it’s that purpose I’m still looking for to give me hope for my future. My hope is to live each day again and not just be in survival mode.