“I can’t wait to get my mental health support back and get myself into a good place.”

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder whilst I was in long inpatient admissions back in 2019. I was doing well the last two years- I took my meds, went to therapy and did a second DBT programme, but due to my diagnosis and a past section, I am now involved with social services since becoming pregnant.

My past sections have been horrible. The hospital I was originally sectioned in before being transferred to a PICU was shut down not long after I left for mistreatment of patients. The PICU I was at was also pretty bad, but the NHS ward I was in was alright. I didn’t have a single problem there.

At the beginning of October last year, my partner and I found out that I was expecting a baby. My mental health team originally asked if I would need them during my pregnancy. We discussed it and decided it wasn’t necessary, but the college I was in at the time didn’t care about mine or the mental health team’s views or decisions. They decided that I was a risk and referred me to social services without even telling me.

A social worker was assigned to my unborn for risk of emotional abuse and neglect, as they could see my diagnosis. After that they requested my history of mental health hospital stays, including all of the incidents I’ve had since first becoming involved with services in 2017.

Social services decided we weren’t fit enough to be parents and started to assess us, mainly me. My mental health team was interviewed and they believed there were no concerns, but my social worker didn’t agree and decided I needed to have a mental health assessment by the mother and baby mental health team. They too expressed no concerns and even stated that I had a great bond with my unborn and posed no risks to myself or others, which included my baby.

Again the social worker disagreed with them. Since then they have required me to complete multiple additional programmes, attend regular check-ins and do classes. All have gone well- if anything, I’ve shown signs of improvement. I have all this information documented in letters and emails, as well as recorded group conferences with all professionals involved.

Most importantly, my mental health team raised concerns that going to a unit/placement would be detrimental to my mental health. It didn’t make sense to them that if they wanted my mental health assessed, that putting me where my mental wellbeing is jeopardised would be setting me up to fail. 

But even with all that, we were taken to court and it was decided that after I gave birth, me, my partner and our baby would have to spend just over three months being assessed in a unit. These units are specifically for social services to assess parents’ fitness to take care of a child when there are concerns around domestic violence, substance abuse, mental health or learning difficulties.  This stay would determine whether we could keep our baby.

We didn’t even have the chance to go home before going to the unit. We had to go straight from the hospital. This unit/placement could be anywhere in the country- we were going to be alone, and most likely have to live in a completely new area. We were going to be expected to be perfect first time parents with all of this stress and pressure as well as a newborn.

Our parenting had been amazing since the moment we got to the unit, but my mental health took a decline just as was expected. I had to have an increase in support and medication just to cope with the stress of the situation. We were then informed that even though our assessment was due to be conducted at the end of summer, they wanted to keep us there until our next court date two months later.

The unit itself wasn’t the most pleasant environment and this definitely contributed to my anxiety. There was little privacy as the unit had cameras in every room including the bedrooms, and I was concerned about my family’s safety around some of the other residents. It was not a natural environment to parent in.

The situation really ruined my mental health. I felt like nobody cared about us and the effects it had on our baby being kept away from their family; not being able to see their grandparents or great grandparents, not being in their own home, surrounded by different staff everyday so they have had no consistency the entire time.

In total, we were in the unit for 20 weeks- six weeks longer than we expected. A fortnight ago we had our recommendation on whether or not we could go home with the baby. Social services’ verdict was that because I do not currently have support, they are unsure how living at home would go.

When we went back to court, the solicitors and our son’s guardian disagreed with them. The reason I was currently without support was because I’d been sent across the country and could no longer continue my work with my local mental health team. I was now three hours away and my support had been transferred to another team, who wouldn’t give me a care co-ordinator or therapy since I was in a temporary placement and I would be returning home in a couple of months. The court agreed with us and said we should be allowed back home with our child in order to allow me to continue receiving support in the community there.

We were so relieved by the outcome but it doesn’t change the fact that I lost out on months at home with my child, experienced a massive shortfall in my mental health support and a deterioration in my condition due to the extreme stress I was under. I am so glad to be returning home. I can’t wait to get my mental health support back and get myself into a good place, where I’m even better than before and can care for my child without worrying he will be taken away.

I feel that my parenting would never have been questioned if I didn’t have BPD and a history of hospital admissions. Having a mental illness doesn’t automatically make you a bad parent, and I wish that people knew this.