“I’ve had medical professionals see BPD on my details and think it’s bipolar disorder.”

I was 13 years old in my first year of high school. I felt like a light in me had sort of ‘switched off’ and I felt emotionally numb most of the time. There were times that were happy that I should have felt happy, and times that were sad where I should have felt sad. I remember forcing myself to show these feelings on my face, but inside I just felt nothing.

At that age I knew very little about mental health and therefore I was very confused at why I was feeling the way I was. I wasn’t interested in anything at school (including the subjects I previously enjoyed) and I preferred to be alone during break times instead of with my friends.

I was tired all the time, but not in the way that a good night’s sleep could fix. And with sleep, most nights when I would switch my light off, I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I wanted to release what I was feeling… that’s when I started self-harming by cutting.

I can’t remember where I learnt about self harm… it was probably on some dark-themed depressive blogs I read and I saw a couple other people at my school were doing it. I’ve always been a logical thinker, so I knew when I started doing this I was not in a good place, especially when it became a daily habit. However I didn’t have the energy to care. I was getting through the days by putting one foot in front of the other while feeling like some sort of emotionless zombie.

At that young age, it didn’t really affect my relationships or friendships. I tried to hide my symptoms mostly. But my education- yes definitely. I was constantly submitting work late as I was too fatigued to ever complete anything. I found managing class work and homework very overwhelming. I was in high school, so often had lots of homework as we got little bits from every subject. I had my teachers on my back as well regarding school work, as I was submitting things late and often poorly attempted/unfinished. So this became an extra stressor that I didn’t need.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 by a psychologist. I was referred by my local hospital following a suicide attempt. I began seeing that person weekly from there and went on antidepressant medication.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder six months later during a hospital admission. I met other people of similar age who experienced similar symptoms to me and they told me they had BPD, which made me think I possibly had it as well. I told one of the clinicians in the hospital I was curious to explore that possibility – so I did a couple of assessments over the next few days, which concluded I had BPD in addition to depression.

I was grateful that the professionals I had around me knew BPD reasonably well, as it was common with other patients of theirs. I often have to explain what it is as people either haven’t heard about it, or what they do know is completely false and far from the truth.

It can scare people, especially people I’m beginning romantic relationships with. So sometimes I feel I have to ‘prove’ that I am well most of the time and not the way I was when I was first diagnosed. I’ve also had medical professionals see BPD on my details and think it’s bipolar disorder?! This does happen more often than I ever thought. I guess that is even more evidence to show that Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t have much awareness around it.

I refrain from telling people if it’s not necessary or if I’m not seeing them again, but when it comes to beginning friendships or relationships, I will only tell them once I feel they know me for me beyond the diagnosis.

I am an avid lover of fictional police crime television shows… unfortunately in some the circumstances, I have seen some where the character in the show who committed an heinous act has BPD. I know (and others with BPD know) that having the diagnosis has nothing to do with being a criminal or being a ‘crazy person’, however media representations have an impact on the rest of society, and society then judges and misunderstands us based on what they have been exposed to.

I always have to explain BPD to people I meet as the majority of people either haven’t heard of it, or don’t know anything about it. But it’s exhausting having to explain BPD to people who think it’s something that it’s not and I find I have to ‘prove’ myself. If someone has seen a false media representation of what BPD is, I have to convince them that it’s not accurate. It’s like trying to convince someone the sky is blue, when they think it’s yellow.

I wish people knew it’s not actually anything to do with our personality. It is about our emotional regulation to triggers, caused by traumatic experiences in our life. The title of the illness is very misleading, so I wish perhaps it was called something else, or that there was wider awareness about it so people wouldn’t get confused.