“We do recover and we do live full lives.”

I was ‘odd’ my whole childhood, but what I now know to be BPD symptoms became more pronounced after the death of my mom at eight years old.

I found it was very hard to work with other people. I usually tended to work solo. I was hyper-verbal so I did well, and felt that my classmates were resentful. I got along mostly with my teachers. I had a tough time idealizing teachers, and that’s when I became aware of my splitting.

It’s when you love someone so intensely, you think about them constantly, you do everything to please them. For me with teachers, that meant making 100% every time. Being ‘perfect’. Always seeking their face in the crowd. Then they do one thing. It could be minor. It could be that they don’t wave at you. It could be that they ignore a call. Then you hate them, and you never want to speak to them again. And then you want them to hurt like they hurt you (even if they’re unaware that anything happened).

The self harm became difficult to manage by high school. They went back and forth on my diagnosis. They’ve settled between BPD and autism. It’s been good to be diagnosed because I’m not so hard on myself for just staying home. The need to be alone and safe seems to supersede other needs. I’m glad that I can navigate the world knowing that I need, to just predominately be at home and feel safe.

I’m still in therapy. I have done a lot. I’ve been inpatient and I’ve done DBT, CBT and EMDR. I’m a big fan of DBT. I’ve had a severe ED that took time to heal from too, and I think it takes a while to untangle what is from the disorder, and what’s from trauma.

The main thing I learned is water, nutrition and sleep.  Without these, nothing will work. It’s hard to get those three things consistent. But that’s the base for wellness. I try to avoid hard liquor, as it tends to exacerbate symptoms, and also anything with a high caffeine content.

I think that there is definitely a stigma from ‘therapists’. I say that because they’re bad therapists. They tend to assume we are untreatable and won’t help. I think that stems from the prevalence of ‘abstinence only’ standards. That the complete absence of all symptoms is wellness. I think that’s unrealistic.

We have to learn that BPD is both a long-term illness and something to be managed. We have to realize as patients and care providers that the absence of all symptoms is a fallacy. Moderation and risk/harm reduction must be the guiding principle. I think patients are relieved to meet fellow BPD people who have “made it”.

I wish people knew that healing is not fun. It’s like being buried alive with a toothpick and being told to dig yourself out, and you do dig yourself out…. and it’s another grave. It’s very hard and time consuming. We’ve been doing things certain ways our whole life and breaking neural patterns is time consuming. But we do recover and we do live full lives. It is a continuous journey.