“The intrusive thoughts do not make me a bad person.”

I think I have always known I had OCD, but never really knew a life without it. With people saying, “Oh, I’m a bit OCD’, I thought that everyone had a bit of it in them. But just before Covid hit us, I realised that my compulsions were taking over my life, my relationship with my husband was struggling and that this cannot be ‘normal’.

One day driving into work, I was obsessively going over my morning ritual (I have to drive a certain way or else I think the worst will happen- my mind tells me if I didn’t, I could have a bad day/receive bad news/have an accident that could kill me) and that was my first huge intrusive thought.

Someone was dangerously driving whilst on their phone, and I had to emergency stop. They didn’t even notice. Just carried on driving dangerously and the intrusive thought I had was me finding them and seriously hurting them. I literally imagined how I would do it and ensure that they stayed alive to suffer the consequences. I couldn’t believe that thought. I had never been violent before, and it really shook me. I then started having these thoughts regularly about hurting other people or even myself. Again driving, one thought was to just drive at speed into a wall. Thankfully, I never act on these thoughts, but it does scare me.

My husband does not understand my OCD and struggles with my obsessions. Counting things, doing things in a certain order, checking doors and windows are locked, making sure that certain things are unplugged (yes, I made him drive back home 43 miles away from home as I couldn’t remember if I had switched off my straighteners) and also drive back to certain areas to check it really was a pothole we had driven over and not a dead body to name just a few. But bless him, he really does try (and yes, he did drive the 43 miles back home to find that I had turned them off and all was OK) but it is really hard to explain why I do, and it is really sad that there is not more information out there for those that have to live with someone with OCD. 

I do honestly believe that if I had to live with me, I would have left a long time ago. However, I am very fortunate that when I have my worst episodes, I reach out for support.

We moved GP a year before my diagnosis and had met a wonderful GP. She was the first GP I have ever really spoken about how I felt and what I was going through. She referred me to counselling and that is where I finally was diagnosed with OCD and had treatment. This was the first time in a long time that I felt like I was OK, there are reasons why I am like I am and that the intrusive thoughts do not make me a bad person and that even though I had these thoughts, I would not act on them.

Clarification for me was what I needed and finally having a diagnosis supported my healing. I am currently back at therapy and taking Sertraline following a very anxious and obsessive period for me. I am not in a great place now, but I have a great (and very understanding) GP, medication is starting to take the ‘edge’ of my symptoms.

When I first got diagnosed, I was pretty open at first, but it is amazing how many people say, “Oh me too”, when actually they don’t. It is so frustrating. Or when it is talked about and they say, “Oh, I bet your house is spotless.” I mean, it can be, as cleaning is therapeutic to me with my music blaring, but it is more than that. If I am very anxious and OCD is getting out of control, I am more focused on routines and safety more than cleaning. They don’t experience the dread of something happening if I do something wrong/put something out of place/ have an intrusive thought that is very disturbing.

I do feel that mental health words get thrown around, and they do not understand the real meaning. Through people’s opinions, I can find it hard to talk about it, which is a shame because when I am able to speak about it helps me. However, sometimes they can make me feel worse if they are not understanding or making their own presumptions. I wish there was more information out there on OCD, I may have had help sooner and people may not make assumptions on me and my OCD.