“I just become so invested in the relationship that it’s hard to think about anything else.”

I feel like my BPD symptoms started showing when I was between the ages of 12 and 14 and continued to get worse over time.

I would become completely obsessed with people and trying to be the best version of myself for them. I got my first favourite person when I was about 12 and it was so heartbreaking when we stopped being friends. Even to this day I still think about him.

I started self harming when I was 12 too. It was the only way to control all of these conflicting feelings in my brain. I was called a drama queen when I was little- I was always accused of being over-dramatic and I got my feelings hurt easily. I think I’ve always had symptoms, but they became more noticeable from the age of 11. At first the symptoms just looked like a tween girl being upset, so nobody really took any notice of it.

For me, relationships are extremely different and difficult now. I’m always ‘way too much’ for everyone, because I just become so invested in the relationship that it’s hard to think about anything else.

With my last boyfriend, it was very, very difficult to be together. We broke up about five times over the course of the year. I think we only managed about two full months together without a break, and at the end it finally felt good to not be together. The split took longer than it should have because it ended up becoming a very toxic relationship.

I do try to be a good girlfriend with my now-boyfriend. I’m in therapy and trying my best, but it’s still difficult because he has also become my FP (favourite person) which is hard because he is a very busy person, so I can easily get in my own head about him not loving me even though he’s just preoccupied with other things. When I say I try to be a good girlfriend, what I mean is that I’m trying to be less obsessive and work through our problems together, rather than just ghosting him or hurting him in ‘revenge.’

For me, the concept of a favourite person is basically that I’m overly obsessed with them.  It’s almost like their life becomes mine in a way. Their perception of me is very important. The words they say have more impact on me than anyone else’s and they elicit very strong feelings from me towards them. It’s like a very strong connection, and you don’t really decide who becomes your FP- it just happens.

It doesn’t just stop at romantic relationships either. It can be platonic friendships or family members, or anyone at all to be honest, and it’s a lot different than a regular relationship. It’s more like you’d do absolutely anything for that person, and it can become very toxic quickly.

When I’m in a relationship and it becomes the only thing I’m invested in, it’s fine for a while until I realise that my life outside of them them is falling apart, like school and work and family life. So I do need to be careful that I don’t let relationships take over my life.

I also feel like my BPD affects my boundaries in relationships by making things more personal in a way, like everything they say and do can hurt more than it does for the average person in a relationship. I try to set clear boundaries with them, especially my now-boyfriend, and it is working pretty well for now by being open with each other, which is making sure everything is moving more smoothly.

With my parents (mom and stepdad) they are very supportive and always there for me. My birth dad is where all my childhood trauma originates, which is also mostly where my BPD stems from. He’s a man with a lot of narcissistic traits and what I’d describe as a god complex, so he’s never understood any of it.

I cut him out of my life in August after my last (suicide) attempt. It was so freeing and I feel more peaceful without him, but it’s also had an influence on my relationships. It’s a long process to be able to trust more and I’m finally getting there.

I have a real problem with self destructive behaviours as a result of the BPD. I’m basically an addict to OxyContin and alcohol. I use them to try and drown out my problems, but I’ve worked hard on getting sober. I have really bad anger issues and can turn a little problem into the biggest issue in the world, and then afterwards depression and hypomania set in. It’s a vicious circle of emotional dysregulation.

When I was diagnosed last August after my suicide attempt, it was the first time a psychiatrist had ever listened to me because the symptoms come and go, so it’s hard to pinpoint it. But when I explained how I feel and finally realized it wasn’t ‘my fault’ as I’d always believed.

Because I can also can become extremely manipulative, it makes me wonder sometimes if this whole thing is a charade. But it helps me to remember what my therapist said: “If it’s happening even when you’re alone, it is real- and you aren’t being crazy.”