“When in crisis after being diagnosed, I was often seen as ‘attention seeking’ and not taken as seriously.”

I was diagnosed with BPD first when I was 18 after suspecting for two years, but CAMHS dismissed my symptoms. I could not control my emotions and experienced fluctuations within my mood, self image and levels of anger. All of my friendships and relationships were turbulent and ended badly as I become completely dependent on them.

I was only diagnosed after a severe episode of self harm and paranoid dissociative symptoms where I was inpatient for a week. I’ve noticed OCD-like symptoms and have been told that it’s highly likely I also have OCD but I’m not officially diagnosed. This manifests itself in constant mental rumination of suicidal and self harm ideation, and an obsession with time and the bad things that happen if I’m late or miss something, and how this will then have a massive life-changing impact, which is often paralysing for daily life.

My BPD has made my family life very strained and the relationships with them very hard, feeling like they need to, “Walk along eggshells in case I explode,” which isn’t nice for me or them. The obsessiveness is normally too much for friends, as I idealise people and have a ‘favourite person’ who I then become reliant on and feel numb and nothing without their constant attention.

This then leads that person to get overwhelmed and abandon me, which is triggering, and then sends me into crisis and the whole cycle just starts again. It also makes education and work very hard as any stressful situations  are ten times more intense for people with BPD, meaning I’m often unemployed and stressful experiences that others could deal with would send me into a meltdown.

The path to getting a diagnosis was incredibly difficult. For two years I did draining assessments were I would recount past traumas and facts about my life that they already had on file but refused to read. I did Therapy For You (NHS talking therapy) and in the first session the therapist said that I should be in secondary care and that I needed a higher grade of support, but because of the bureaucracy and strict guidelines, I had to go through an unhelpful therapy.

Whilst I was saying I suspected I had BPD- and so did lots of therapists- I was dismissed time and time again. When in crisis after being diagnosed, I was often seen as ‘attention seeking’ and not taken as seriously. When people found out I was diagnosed with BPD it was mainly just their suspicions being confirmed, and a feeling of relief that we knew I wasn’t a horrible person and there was a reason as to why I was acting this way.

The biggest challenge for me is balancing my emotions, especially despair and anger. When I’m triggered, if I feel sad, the only option is to isolate myself and turn to suicide/self harm whereas if the trigger is anger, I completely blow up and say things that I don’t mean which then ruins friendships/relationships because I can’t control it.  Sometimes it means that I am not a nice person, but I am acknowledging and trying to manage this. Another challenge is fighting the chronic numbness which is debilitating when it comes to ever feeling happy or content for prolonged periods of time.

I think people associate BPD with having ‘multiple personalities’ and people being crazy or abusive. Especially after the Amber Heard trial, there was a lot of stuff about people with BPD being abusive, which again isn’t true and is such a negative stereotype. I feel like people don’t understand the severity of how it feels. I wish people knew what it felt like and could feel the intensity of emotions and understand the constant emotional turmoil we experience.