“I am constantly fighting my self-esteem and this need to be seen all the time.”

My HPD symptoms are often mixed with my NPD symptoms; wanting excessive attention, breaking down if I don’t get it and feeling immediately useless and worthless. My self-esteem is fluctuating a lot and it depends way too much on what people say, what they think about me, etc. I’ve had these symptoms for as long as I can remember, but probably got worse when I- and the body- were 14 to 15 years old (we are a system).

The way these symptoms affect my life right now (and the life of other guys with HPD that I know from my system) is by making us feel immediately unimportant if we are not given enough attention. And the worst part is that we don’t even know what ‘enough’ means. If it would be possible for people to continuously talk to us, ask us questions, praise us and compliment us that would be great. We might not tell them to stop, honestly.

One of the worst things for me is that, even if I get this much attention- even if it lasts 12 hours- after one slightly negative remark I break down again. Like all the attention before did not matter. It’s an incredibly annoying, deep feeling that I can’t control. And it’s not just about the attention.

As a self-aware histrionic, I’m constantly questioning what my true beliefs are, and I constantly have to remind myself of them so that I won’t change them as soon as I see something different. My mind can change very easily when it comes to little things, but fortunately not so easily when it comes to more complex topics.

The idea that everyone is my friend unfortunately used to be very present in my life. I would get angry and defensive quickly if a person I considered was my friend did not act like it. Now I’ve grown and become more mature due to my responsibilities, and I’ve learned to detach myself more from people.

Sometimes it still happens that, when I meet new people and I’m having a nice conversation with them, I can already see us in the future being best buddies and hanging out a lot almost daily. Truth is, that almost never happens, and that could break many delusions I used to have. I am definitely more emotionally stable now when it comes to friendships, but my symptoms are still very visible on a daily basis and I am constantly fighting my self-esteem and this need to be seen all the time.

The girls with HPD in our system tend to be a lot more sexual. I myself used to be very sexual as a younger teenager, but it didn’t last long. There is another guy who is an adult with HPD and he is still very sexual, but also depressed, so he doesn’t engage in sexual activities anymore. For the girls, they still are like that, even as adults, and they may react on their urges and impulses a lot more sexually speaking, even if they are dangerous. Their perception of ‘everyone is my friend’ is also not so strong to be honest. It seems to be more prevalent in guys for us.

I guess in a way the girls tend to be more careless with their bodies, but more calculated with their minds, while the guys are the other way around for us. I get a lot of attention by making jokes and just generally being funny, even when deep inside I’m a mess. Most girls with HPD get attention by being flirty (that’s in our system, at least).

I also would not do anything embarrassing just to get attention. I am not that extreme, and very few of us with HPD would actually do that since we all experience embarrassment as a deeply hurtful feeling, so we would rather not do anything that makes us feel that shame.

I didn’t know about HPD until our therapist had one conversation with me and said, “Oh you’re definitely histrionic,” and then we did the test and turns out she was right. The therapist thought at first I might either have bipolar or be histrionic, but our brain is not bipolar so no alter can be, and my mood is fluctuating too frequently to stay in longer episodes, therefore she said histrionic is definitely the better fit.

This happened in 2020, so a bit over two years ago. I always knew there was something wrong with me. I was looking at my behaviour and comparing it a lot to other people deemed ‘normal’, and thought I was crazy.

I learned to conceal my actions more, to hide my true self, to only unmask with people I considered to be very close. I would’ve done anything to avoid embarrassment. And it was always hard to battle the contradictory thoughts of “I want attention!” and, “I don’t want to do anything embarrassing and have everyone stare at me and laugh.” For me, and for most- if not all of us here with HPD- not all types of attention are good and welcomed, despite what the stigma says.

I don’t hide it my HPD from people online. In real life we aren’t, and can’t, be open about anything yet, unfortunately. But online in our community I am able to be my true self. However sometimes I experience shame in regards to this condition, as it is widely thought to be a ‘girl disorder’. But I am slowly getting over it and appreciating the fact that people like me for my fluctuating funny-serious self, and it helps a lot to be liked for who I really am.

People. Attention. Going online and seeing more people following us. Engaging on our Discord server with like-minded people who like me. These are the things that help the most when HPD is really bad.

When it comes to the difference between HPD and NPD, many times it’s really hard to tell. In a way I have trained myself to think about patterns and reasons. With both disorders people need attention, but HPDers don’t necessarily need admiration, just to talk, to engage in something with someone, etc.

When I’m in a narcissistic state or a narc high, I want to be complimented a lot, I want to be seen as a god and have my confidence and self-esteem boosted without having to do anything for it. NPD expects the attention and admiration like it’s a given right, while HPD does things to get that attention and doesn’t just expect it to come.

I think people’s first thoughts when it comes to HPD are sex and girls. It’s NOT all just about sex at all, and it’s definitely not a condition only for girls. Nowhere in the DSM does it say that only females can have HPD, and this is one of the biggest misconceptions that exist and that should be challenged.

NPD is also not the disorder of all abusive people. Unfortunately, even if this thing is said a lot and it seems very repetitive, it appears that people still use ‘narcissistic abuse’ a lot, which tells me that, “NPD is not abuser disorder,” needs to be repeated and reinforced at least as much as ‘narc abuse’ is. How else can we fight the stigma if we’re not being louder than it?

NPD also stems from childhood trauma more often than not, and narcissists are often deeply affected individuals with a lot of patterns of abuse that they couldn’t control as children, so now as adults they have to leave with this condition which they didn’t sign up for, while also handling all the remarks and attacks against them. It’s not fair that we as mentally ill people got some conditions because of people being abusive with us, and then later in life we’re surrounded by people who constantly attack us and treat us like garbage for this thing we have, this thing we could not foresee and we did not choose to have.

People with HPD and NPD deserve recognition, acceptance and access to treatment and resources, no matter their sex, gender, upbringings and so on.