“If you had a conversation with me, I doubt you’d be able to tell I have SZPD.”

I believe I’ve had issues stemming from social anhedonia/general relationship issues for pretty much my whole life. Throughout elementary school, I had a problem with being able to maintain a friendship for longer than a year, and looking back it was entirely my fault. Basically I just kind of got bored. The only long term friendship I had was really toxic and always left me looking for a validation I was unable to receive.

Starting in middle school, I just completely isolated myself. I stopped talking to people entirely for seventh grade. In eighth grade one person sort of claimed me as his friend and we hung out a lot, but I had a lot of issues with him.

My general anhedonia really kicked in when I got severely depressed in eighth grade. I’m not sure, but looking back I almost think it might have been the social, cooperative nature of the school where I felt like I didn’t fit in and had absolutely zero desire to participate. For high school, I pretty much spent every day silent aside from talking to a teacher occasionally.

I stopped going to school in person my senior year. I switched to taking my remaining credits online, and I’ve been doing a lot better since then. I struggle with motivation to do things a lot, but life is easier not being overloaded with people every day. The only people I have contact with anymore are my immediate family and one or two online friends, and it’s better for me.

Despite all this, I’m actually very good at masking. I thrive in professional environments where I know what’s expected of me and I have a topic to stick to. It’s casual things that I struggle with.

I tend to exaggerate my emotions in conversation, but in reality I generally describe it as only being able to feel ‘level 1’ emotions- mild annoyance, contentedness, disappointment- and they’re gone immediately after the stimulus is gone. If you had a conversation with me, I doubt you’d be able to tell I have SZPD.

I actually see my muted emotions as a plus generally. It means when other people are getting wrapped up in them, I stay level-headed. I keep cool under stress. I can make rational decisions. It does mean that I don’t get a lot in the positive emotions department. It kind of sucks, but it’s just how life is. I don’t care.

I think my preoccupation with introspection also might be in part thanks to my ADD, and in part because I just don’t find people particularly interesting. I used to daydream 24/7 in middle school, but I find that I don’t actually do that much anymore. I’m a little sad about that, but ultimately it’s probably for the best. I’m still in my own head most of the time, even so. I guess my whole life is kind of related to my SZPD, which is kind of how personality disorders work.

I guess in general I’ve just had a pattern of unfulfilling relationships in my life that led me to withdraw. I think there’s most likely a large genetic factor to my SZPD, since I don’t really think I experienced any particular trauma as a child.  Just a series of experiences that taught me that other people aren’t going to fulfil me.

I would say this makes it very difficult to form new relationships. I’m not really unhappy about this because honestly I don’t really care for people in general. Something which I think is actually kind of uncommon among schizoids, I actually have a pretty good relationship with my family. They were always good to me. It was the outside world that sucked. However, I spent a large portion of my childhood not talking to my sister, who is only two years younger, at all. We simply existed in the same space and I literally never talked to her. We talk now, but it’s something that people are really surprised when I tell them.

Using the DSM and ICD as a guideline, my biggest symptoms are muted emotions, social anhedonia, general anhedonia, and preoccupation with introspection. I currently cannot afford a professional diagnosis- I sought out a psychiatric evaluation through my therapist, but they didn’t take my insurance. The out-of-pocket cost was $2400 USD. As for what would change if I had that diagnosis… I don’t know. It would certainly be better for my own self-doubt, at least. I don’t really have a desire to treat the symptoms, though I have tried with my therapist. I didn’t really find it helpful, so I stopped going.

The reason I found out about SZPD is because of my closest friend, who has BPD and NPD. Surprisingly enough, this friend is the only person in my life I feel truly comfortable with and always respects my boundaries. The only other person I’ve really talked about it with is my ex. I told my sister once but I don’t think she understood.

I think the hardest thing about SZPD is getting people to realise that it even exists. SZPD is one of the least studied personality disorders out there, which makes it hard to find reliable information on it. I don’t think there’s any sort of SZPD community on Instagram.

One thing that applies to all personality disorders is that every single person with a PD is different. Not every symptom applies to every person, and not every person you meet with it is going to be exactly the same. We may have a list of symptoms that unite us, but we’re all still as varied as any other person.