“You are a constant hostage to your emotions that can override your day- anywhere, anyhow.”

My diagnoses are Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2016 and DPD more recently in 2021.

I got diagnosed with BPD in a mental health hospital after my whole life broke down (loss of marriage, loss of motherhood – my son staying with his dad, loss of my home). The hospital staff helped as much as they could and tried to keep me safe but I was very violent then (towards myself, not others).

I stayed two and a half years in hospital before managing to resume a life in the community. I have had very good support in the community from specialist personality disorder nurses, apart from one who was not suitable for me. I went downhill in his care as he had a plan on how I should get better and that plan just wasn’t right for me- I just got worse. Happily I was given a different nurse who was absolutely brilliant whose only plan was to go with me at my pace, and in the direction I wanted to go in.

I got the DPD diagnosis more recently when a psychologist became my care-coordinator as the brilliant nurse changed job. I wasn’t too pleased to get that diagnosis but I feel it does correspond to how I see myself fitting in with the world.

My symptoms are mainly intrusive suicidal thoughts and self-harming thoughts, which at times I do act upon. I nearly killed myself three weeks ago through taking an overdose of my prescribed meds because I got angry and decided I didn’t want to be alive. I did get help and I am still here.

I also am very dependent on structure, routines and specific people in my circle. Any changes cause me to become destabilised and can end in me hurting myself. I think I had those symptoms for decades but didn’t really know that there was actually something wrong with me.

I went through all different kinds of meds including Lithium and Lamotrigine. I am currently on Quetiapine but they want to change it because it disagrees with my diabetes. Every type of meds I took had to be changed because they interfered with my physical health. But they only scratched the surface of the mental pain that is there, always under the surface. I haven’t been offered therapy as such apart from my weekly contact with my care-coordinator who handles everything regarding my mental health.

I have met nurses who considered me attention-seeking and thus didn’t give me the care I needed, such as stopping me from hurting myself. I know I make the decision to hurt myself, but it’s the bad me who hurts me, not the good me who doesn’t want to be hurt. Sometimes I really can’t control bad me.

The only way I am able to work towards getting better is by being active in doing something, be that gaming or studying. If I don’t have something to focus on, then I am in trouble.

I think BPD has been very detrimental as it made me adversarial and that made my employment situation impossible. Working with my then-husband was no better, as I was still not happy. I had a management role but I hate being a manager, I work best under someone.

Since the breakdown of my marriage, I have been unable to create new friendships and have decided to never be in a relationship ever again. I feel it would be unfair to put someone through what I live with. I am quite easy to get on with up to the point where something will happen to damage the relationship, and that would make the situation intolerable for me. So I say no to friends and no to romantic relationships. That way I know what I have in my environment and that is something I can control.

I think the fact that I don’t want to be alive is the hardest symptom to deal with. I have a son so I can’t really die as it would be horrendous for him. He’s still young (14). The fact that I only function if I have a set routine is tough as well. I have to be at a specific place every day and do the same things every day so as not to feel overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed very easily. 

Being a parent with mental illness involves being very honest with your child. They are not stupid and can see what is happening. I told my son what triggers me and makes me unwell. When I am on the cusp of a crisis, I usually ask him to leave immediately and he goes home to his dad while I get support from professionals. He knows the situations I struggle with like very noisy environments, boisterous people, teenagers. I’d say that way he has an understanding of what is happening with me and he’s not left wondering what the hell is happening. Communication is key basically.

Living with personality disorders makes life a shitshow. You are a constant hostage to your emotions that can override your day- anywhere, anyhow. Your head is bombarding you with thoughts you haven’t asked for. I usually say there are two people in my head. One is trying to destroy me, but that person is still me.