“The mind is a beautiful and complex thing, and just like with the body, different doesn’t always mean ill.”

Although I’ve never been formally diagnosed, I consider myself someone who would fit under the category of ‘schizotypy’. I don’t have much faith in the mental health system so I don’t seek out diagnosis, but I had schizo-spectrum signs very early on.

As a younger kid, I had very magical/odd thoughts about who I was, what I could do, and about the world in general. I believed I could access alternate dimensions from the school park, and at one point believed I had ice powers. These symptoms went hand in hand with ADHD which I’ve had basically my whole life- it’s a neurodivergency.

I was hyperactive early on and maladaptively daydreamed very often. Other kids in my primary school didn’t connect well with me and considered me annoying. I also had an eccentric way of going about things even then. Many things can be attributed to both the ADHD and STPD.

I had this compulsion to read everything I possibly could. I would read books during every class including lunch/recess and I would read advertisements, room signage and nutrition facts on food items. Everything with words drew me in. I had an extremely large vocabulary that I used whenever I considered it necessary. I had learned to read at around four or five if I remember correctly, and from then on it was obsession. I also had a love for writing, which I also ignored social rules in favour of doing as often as possible.

As I got older, my hyperfixations became deeper and I became slightly less forgetful than I was as a child. I tended toward more dangerous compulsive behaviours, being prone to addiction.

I also continued with the episodes of magical thinking, although they were more rationalised and less frequent than they were as a child. I can give logical reasons as to why I believe in something, even if that something is unproven or unconventional.

Mostly, the schizotypal part of my psyche moved from simple thoughts to more complex things. In fact it may be more appropriate to refer to them as mini-psychoses. I hallucinate, occasionally. Any sense is free reign for that. I can also sometimes become catatonic or in a similar altered state. I’ve been this way as far back as my memory goes. Some things have evolved and some have stayed much the same.

I’ve been open with some people about my symptoms and the STPD. I don’t have family and I don’t really have all that much in way of friends, but I love to tell stories and my experiences are a hell of a story to tell. Some people react with fascination, some with disbelief, some with worry or by questioning my sanity (I’ve done enough of that for myself). My therapist probably has the kindest reaction. She helps me analyze the meanings and processes behind my dreams, thoughts, visions, daydreams and all that. Usually I can do so fine on my own but having another pair of eyes is both helpful and relieving.

In school I was considered ‘gifted’, but annoying and odd for half of it (I got special classes and was sat out in the hallway with extra workbooks because I went through them too quickly), and the other half my grades fell off massively due to my mental health getting worse due to an abusive situation. It probably didn’t help that with ADHD and STPD my mind is always rushing with many complex trains of thought, which can be exhausting and never lets me take a proper break.

At work, my ADHD has caused me to be at times distracted. STPD as well. I have a part time job, lessons in exchange for work (music). At one point instead of watching the dogs as I was supposed to, I went to sit outside on the porch with the cat. I sang to it and as always the cat put himself in my space; sat right down on my lap, sharp claws and all. It was magical but I was supposed to be working at the time. Relationships are a whole world of complexity and oftentimes disappointment. My perceived ‘oddness’ has made them very difficult to negotiate.

I’d say not being treated like some wounded or rabid animal by everyone around you including those supposed to help you is a privilege neurotypicals have. Saneism is rampant in both pop culture and in medicine; neurotypicals will never have to deal with the hurt of seeing someone they know use their diagnosis as an inflammatory buzzword, or be told they’re incapable of thinking rationally or incapable of a number of other things, ‘because of their mental illness’.  

We are human beings, just like neurotypicals, but we are silenced, used as punchlines, and misunderstood by the general population. No neurotypical I’ve ever met has dealt with this type of persecution both medically and socially. Not like this. There are other issues too, of course; racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. But many of us neurodivergent people are force-fed drugs, treated like livestock, and considered to be dangerous. Even though most of us are not.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about ADHD and STPD is that these are both illnesses. Illness implies something wrong, something unhealthy. Illness implies some form of danger or harm. But neither STPD nor ADHD is inherently harmful.

I also think we should stop classifying every neurotype by how they inconvenience neurotypicals. Just because someone considers my neurotype and the way I am to be odd does not mean my mind contains illness. The mind is a beautiful and complex thing, and just like with the body, different doesn’t always mean ill. People have different hair, eyes, bodies, they have birthmarks and moles. But illness implies harm. And I do not believe harm is inherent to either one of these neurological differences, although I do think that environments and societies built only for neurotypicals are harmful to us.

I wish more people knew what it was really like. How it feels. I wish more people knew how big emotions are for those of us with ADHD; how joy is so powerful that it becomes tangible, but so is pain, so is anger, and so is love. And how with STPD, myself and the people around me are constantly fascinated with the workings of my mind but it is very different living in it than observing it from the outside.

I wish people could understand that I talk how I do because I am trying to explain complex concepts within my speech. I wish people wouldn’t write me off as speaking eloquent nonsense. I think through everything. Always. And I don’t know many others with STPD so I don’t speak for us all most definitely but I believe that we all deserve a society where every neurotype has a place. Where people that don’t understand us take their hands off of our minds and our medical business and people that do are easier to find. I’m exhausted from the system, I’m exhausted from neurotypicals.

To sum up with that, I wish people stopped acting as if they know all about my mind and the minds of others like me and actually listened to our experiences. I wish that regular people and doctors both stopped generalizing. I wish neurotypicals would stop speaking for us, close their mouths, and let us speak for ourselves.

I wish they stopped putting us in cages and pumping us full of drugs. I wish they stopped fear mongering our close ones to distrust us and mistreat us. I wish they would use their minds a little itty bit more. But that’s my thing, I guess, not theirs. And it’s exactly what makes them call me mad. I can only imagine the fallout if more people were to think for themselves and be more open and honest, stop fearing the unknown and rather embrace it and ask it to become known. It’s not like I’m a locked book.

The question is, will people ever be brave enough to open all the books? Will they ever be brave enough to stop hiding and go out there and observe and learn?

I’d like to tell other people that are struggling with the way the world treats them due to their differences that they are more valuable than they’ll ever know and that they are loved. I will tell no illusions about other people, I will tell of the only person I do know about- myself. I love neurodiverse people, in my mind they are all distant kin.

I’d like to remind people that there will be struggles, either in themselves or with the world around them, but that we are all stronger than we know. Our minds are beautiful. And I for one would love nothing more than to spend time around others with my differences. I’d love nothing more than to hear of their experiences much like you are hearing of a little of mine now.