“My symptoms are not my fault, and I’m not doing it on purpose.”

I first noticed something wasn’t right as a teenager. I experienced symptoms of depression like sadness, withdrawal, and insomnia. The withdrawal was pretty intense. I ended up dropping out of school for almost an entire year.

I experienced symptoms of mania a few years later in college. One of the most intense symptoms was lack of sleep. I could go for days at a time and barely feel any tiredness. I also had issues with my impulses. It was a lot. 

What does depression feel like? It’s the lowest you’ve ever felt. It’s more than passing sadness. It’s almost painful. Mania, on the other hand, is the highest you’ve ever felt. You feel euphoric- like you could do anything in the world and no one can stop you. Mania feels more dangerous to me, because you can hurt yourself or others can hurt you, but you’re happy about it.

My relationships with others are tough because they don’t understand what I’m going through; my symptoms are not my fault, and I’m not doing it on purpose. As for work, I find that productivity is hard. Either I’m super productive and burning myself out, or I’m not productive and I’m getting almost nothing done.

My diagnosis actually happened by accident. I was originally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Then I was talking to my psychiatrist about an episode I had, and it turned out to be mania. I was happy with the diagnosis because BPD didn’t quite fit me. I’ve been very open about my diagnosis and symptoms- I even have my bipolar diagnosis on some of my social media biographies.

I was offered medication right away. I still take medication. It works really well. Therapy is not easily accessible where I live, so I was not offered it. As for managing symptoms, I take medication and I take care of myself. My biggest thing is sticking to a routine.

I do feel like there is a stigma around Bipolar Disorder. One of the biggest misconceptions has to do with mania and depression. People seem to think it’s one or the other all the time. There are times of balance.

I wish people knew that I’m a full person despite my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. I laugh and cry. I love and learn. Everyone may be in a different place with their diagnosis, but I feel like I’m in a good place.