“I am known amongst staff for being prone to a cry in the staff area mid-shift.”

I am officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety and dermatillomania, although I also suffer (undiagnosed) from paranoia, mild PTSD and experience body focused repetitive behaviours (BFRBs). My depression tends to happen in ‘episodes’, where I’ll go from being functioning to very ‘low functioning’ – not eating much, struggling to get out of bed, forgetting to wash, etc.

My anxiety often means I have anxiety attacks (although they feel very similar to autistic meltdowns for me, sometimes I get them confused within myself) and the dermatillomania is just your bog-standard compulsive skin picking, although over the past few years it has gotten significantly better.

I was in hospital after a suicide attempt at age 17, when a CAMHS worker I had since I was 12/13 (I can’t remember exactly) said that she noticed I might be autistic when I first came to her, but she had never mentioned it to me. As I was on a load of drugs in ICU I said I’d think about a diagnosis (I just wanted to be with my family and get home), but she noted that I ‘refused diagnosis’, and only got diagnosed after my 19th birthday.

I feel like growing up I would’ve had an entirely different experience/been a different person had I been diagnosed/known I was autistic earlier, and my parents wholeheartedly believe my depression and anxiety wouldn’t be so severe (or even existent at all) had I been diagnosed earlier.

I think I definitely get ‘worse’ at masking when one of my mental illnesses plays up. I stim a lot more, get non/semi-verbal a lot easier, and my sensory overloads/meltdowns become a lot more frequent during an episode, however now I know I’m autistic I find it easier to deal with the ‘symptoms’, be it while masking or during an episode.

Sensory overload no longer feels like a heart attack. Well it does, but now I know it isn’t, and I just need to change my environment/surroundings and I’ll be okay again, whereas before I knew I just thought I was going to die (literally) every time it happened.

I’m kind of dysfunctional when it comes to relationships. I’m very argumentative with my parents when it isn’t always necessary, for example, them offering to help me clean my room would result in an argument. Typically I’m not very good at making friends, and there’s been a good number of occasions where I have been bullied but not realised, and instead thought these people were my ‘best friends’.

Romantic relationships are often tumultuous and not with people who are ‘compatible’ with me, for example a manic depressive man 13 years older than me (no judgement for anyone with manic depression, it just ended up being very unhealthy for both me and him). Usually at work or school I’m practiced enough at masking that I’m okay, and customers often don’t even realise I’m autistic, although I am known amongst staff for being prone to a cry in the staff area mid-shift.

I also struggle with long term relationships. I’ve never dated someone for longer than a year, am into the habit of one night stands, and my oldest friend I’ve known for three years at this point, I seem to have a cut off point of falling out/losing communication with people after about four years, which is kind of shitty, but hopefully as I’m getting older and making better choices when it comes to people I associate with, that’ll change.

I’m now making efforts to surround myself with people who understand and respect me, and understand what it’s like to be around someone with mental illness and autism. Unrelated, but since being diagnosed I’ve made better friends – some people just don’t understand and have no time for people with additional needs, which is fine, but it makes it easier for me identify people I will be safe being myself around and who will actually take my needs into account, as I would theirs.

People often seem to be accepting. I’ve reached a point of not trying to associate with people who don’t accept it (apart from work of course, there’s no escaping capitalism) as it’s too tiring for me to mask all the time – I’m very blessed with my housemates understand I need more sleep/time in bed/time alone than other people. Sometimes I’ll walk around the house with my headphones on and not talk to anyone- sometimes if we’re watching a film I like, the flappy hands will come out. That’s what feels natural to me, and if people tend to be unaccepting or don’t care to understand, I tend to distance myself from them as the emotional strain is too much for me.

For the most part, when I am open about it with people they tend to be very nice about it and eager to know more and how to help, which is lovely. I also have a circle of ‘safe’ people, who, whilst being neurotypical, are very good at dealing with me when I need help, which I am eternally grateful for.

I’ve been on a whole range of SSRI’s, I’m currently on Citalopram but am awful at remembering to take them, much to my detriment. I’ve had therapy from CAMHS, which wasn’t the best and honestly I found made things worse rather than better, however I can’t currently afford a therapist.

At university I was assigned a ‘mentor’ to help with my autism, which I guess was sort of like therapy. I’d explain difficult situations to her and she’d help me look at them in a rational way and help me find solutions. In terms of mental health, I’m still trying ways to figure out to help myself, although I’d definitely say medication has made a difference for me. As someone who used to partake in recreational drugs, I’ll 100% say since getting sober my mental state has been a lot more stable, however I am still prone to episodes more than a few times a year.

I think a lot of the time when I tell people I’m autistic they’re surprised, and ask if I’m really good at maths or whatever. I think a lot of people still think autism means Sheldon Cooper or Rain Man, or that we all need full time carers and are essentially babies. Whilst obviously some autistic people are like that, there’s also a whole bunch of us that aren’t.

Also, the whole ‘you don’t look autistic’ thing is the not the compliment people think it is, because there’s really no shame in being autistic, and also we don’t have a certain ‘look’, it’s just our brains. Not all of us are geniuses, not all of us need constant support, and all of us are different and have different needs, just like any other person.