"Being told that I fit this archetype of something that I perceived to be so terrible made it incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with."

Narcissist seems to be the new buzzword, with people quickly jumping to call their exes or other unfavourable people in their lives narcissists- or even going as far as to “diagnose” them with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People have begun using the word narcissist as a synonym for abuser, which leads to a lot of stigma, misunderstanding and hatred towards people who struggle with the disorder.

I’ll admit, I had this same view of narcissism: I believed that narcissists were evil, abusive, irredeemable people; this view was shaped by the things I had seen in the media. Imagine my shock when my therapist told me I ticked off most of the boxes for NPD. Given my already fragile self-image, being told that I fit this archetype of something that I perceived to be so terrible made it incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with.

Many of us are exposed to stigmatizing media regularly, which influences our attitudes often without us recognizing it. For example, when you search up #NPD on Instagram, the first posts you will see are those claiming people with NPD are abusive, that they don’t have real emotions, that they can never recover, etc.

Almost all of these posts use the word narcissist to refer to someone who is abusive, leading many to view these terms as synonymous. I want to note that not every abuser has NPD, and not every person who has NPD is an abuser. Having a mental illness does not make someone an abuser.

Though I can now laugh at some of the ridiculous things people say about NPD, this wasn’t always the case. Early on, seeing such stigmatizing media absolutely crushed me. I felt alone, isolated, irredeemable; I felt that I was worthless and inherently evil. Things I saw online told me that a narcissist could never change, and I believed it. I thought that I was bound to be worthless and unlovable forever. I began to believe that not only was I incapable of recovery, but I also didn’t even deserve recovery because I was the scum of the earth.

This made recovery extremely difficult for me, and it was only when I met people online who had recovered from NPD that I began to have hope for change. With the help of my therapist, the reassurance of an understanding online community, and support from my family and friends, I finally began to recover.

This is a pattern that many of my friends with NPD have also experienced: only when they were given understanding and support could they recover. This is why stigma is so harmful; It prevents people from being understood.

In speaking with people online and listening to their experiences, I’ve recognized some particular ways in which stigma has hindered their recovery. I’ll provide some examples.

Negative association leads to denial

A core feature of NPD is fragile self-esteem and a need to see oneself as perfect. Due to this, someone who has symptoms of NPD is likely to deny it and refuse to accept it due to the negative association with the label. This can prevent them from getting the help they need because they are not willing to accept the issue due to the threat stigma poses to their self-image.

Fear of stigma leads to fear of getting help

Someone who recognizes they have symptoms of NPD may be too afraid to seek professional help due to the stigma associated with the diagnosis. They may worry that receiving a diagnosis will cause mental health professionals to view them negatively or treat them poorly. They may be fearful of having such a diagnosis on their medical record forever.

The self-fulfilling prophecy

There is a widely believed misconception that NPD is impossible to treat. As a result, someone with NPD may feel that any attempts at recovery are futile, leading them to have less faith in themselves, resulting in poorer outcomes. Even worse, they may give up on recovery altogether.

Self-stigma and self-hate

People who have NPD often experience extreme amounts of self-loathing. A considerable part of recovery involves becoming capable of self-compassion and viewing oneself as worthy of getting better. Being constantly influenced by stigma and misunderstanding can hinder this process as it perpetuates self-hate.

Isolation and absence of support

Because of the widely negative view of NPD, people who have the disorder are likely to be very hesitant to open up to their family and friends about their struggles. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, making recovery even more challenging. Furthermore, when someone does open up about their diagnosis, they are often met with misunderstanding from their loved ones, leading to further isolation.

Lack of resources

There are very few peer-support groups for people with NPD. However, some can be found online (though this is not as ideal as something in person). Peer support can be beneficial since it offers an opportunity to be understood by others experiencing similar struggles. It provides a means to share recovery advice with others and support them in their healing. Stigma can prevent these spaces from being created. As well as this, there are not very many therapists trained in or willing to work with people with NPD, which can make it challenging to find help.

Risk of mistreatment

Unfortunately, there are many guides online meant to teach people how to hurt individuals with NPD, often focused on targetting their deep insecurity and inner feeling of worthlessness. These things can make it particularly scary for someone with NPD to seek support. Some people will go out of their way to cause people with NPD as much pain as possible because of the assumption that all narcissists are abusive and deserve to suffer.

I’m writing this because I want to spread awareness of the stigma and how it affects people because so far, everyone I have spoken to with NPD has struggled as a result of it as well. And this isn’t just with NPD; this stigma occurs with disorders such as borderline personality disorder and even common disorders such as anxiety and depression.

Some people reading this will view me negatively, knowing that I have NPD. And some of your assumptions may be right. I do still struggle sometimes with empathy, but with practice, I’ve begun to be thoughtful of other people’s feelings and provide them with compassion and support. Despite what many people believe of those with NPD, I am very capable of love, and I feel a tremendous amount of appreciation for my friends and family. I feel care and compassion for others, and it makes me happy to make other people happy.

I will admit, as I’ve begun to be more open about my diagnosis and speak out against stigma, I fear that people will hate me, that they won’t want to be friends with me, or that they will be afraid of me. But I recognize that nothing will change if people don’t speak out against stigma and misunderstanding.

You deserve to be heard, and you deserve to be understood. In talking openly about mental health and mental illness, we can work to reduce stigma and increase understanding. We can help people feel less isolated and find the courage to get support.

No matter what you are going through, you are not alone.