“I’m often lonely because of social withdrawal and a general mistrust of other people.”

I suffer from PTSD, which is characterised by anxiety and panic, as well as other symptoms.

My symptoms include excessive jumpiness, hypervigilance and feelings of panic and helplessness which can lead to feeling faint and dizzy. This can also progress to dissociation, depersonalisation and flashbacks, as well as re-experiencing trauma in present situations and visual disturbances. Sometimes the triggers are completely unknown.

I also experience a myriad of other symptoms. I struggle with memory, overstimulation and tinnitus. My sleep is also affected; I have nightmares and dysregulated sleeping patterns. I have many physical symptoms too including tension, jaw clenching, neck cramps and problems with my shoulder muscles, difficulty swallowing, swelling in my mouth with no clear cause and depression. I also suffer from bulimia and compulsive actions, in particular hand washing.

As you can imagine from reading my symptoms, this makes everyday life very difficult for me. I’m often lonely because of social withdrawal and a general mistrust of other people. I only tend to leave my apartment when I’m accompanied and I find it impossible to use public transport. I find household management overwhelming too.

I’ve worked for many years, albeit with some lengthy absences due to my mental health. I was always able to conceal the symptoms for a period of time, until it became impossible. Somehow the duration between absences became shorter and shorter, and I’m now fully disabled.

My marriage broke down due to my illness- my husband at the time was completely overwhelmed by the situation and at some point it became too much for him to have to do everything without me. He ended our marriage.

Friends have either all pulled away from me or I have withdrawn from them. I am no longer invited to social events. My sister was very supportive, but eventually it became too much for her also.

My diagnosis was made by a psychiatric specialist. I was prescribed medication and advised to engage with long-term trauma therapy and attend neurofeedback therapy twice a week. I find that sometimes it helps. But then there are periods of time where I feel worse, and I regularly question the effectiveness of the medication.

My family doesn’t know about my PTSD. They only know about my depression, as do my friends. I have a hard time talking about it. Even my therapist isn’t aware of everything, only the psychiatrist. I have a few strategies for dealing with symptoms; visualisation exercises, stress avoidance, calling people when I feel symptoms coming on, using smelling salts and sport.

I do think that things are improving in understanding mental illness. That said, I also experience that many people have false impressions. I’ve been called a ‘social parasite’ because I’m retired, despite having worked for thirty years. That hurts a lot.

In ten years, I hope that I will be able to cope well with my illness and be able to do the things I avoid now. My condition will still be with me in ten years, likely for the rest of my life now. I’ve been trying to change things for years, but nothing really works. My wish to be emigrate and live in a place which isn’t so populated, has plenty of nature and friendly, relaxed people.