“You actively have to be aware and not let any idea- no matter how mundane- plant its roots too deep in there.”

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I realised I had OCD. I’ve had symptoms for nearly as long as I can remember. Some of the earliest instances I can vividly recall, though, took place when I was five or six years old. The symptoms vary greatly and have varied throughout my life ranging from the classic OCD staples- repetitive actions and unwanted thoughts- to something I personally believe to have been delusions, although I have never got a confirmation on whether they were or not.

I experience intrusive thoughts in forms of mental images, commands and abstractions, as well as physical sensations, urges to perform tasks, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia and occasional tics.

My symptoms have definitely impacted my social life and relationships greatly. On all fronts; family, romantic relationships and friendships. My friendships suffered greatly due to periods of becoming completely shut-in during some of my worst episodes.

Despite my best efforts to hide my symptoms, they are quite apparent and my friends are aware that I have something ‘off’ about me. I’ve often been the one to ruin gatherings with my panic. It’s at this point become somewhat of an inside joke with the ones willing to put up with it.

With family it’s quite difficult to tell. I’m from a culture where mental health isn’t considered real, so all my issues got pushed aside and played off as me essentially being quirky. A whole bunch of family members also exhibiting OCD traits sure as hell didn’t help any of them recognize we all might be slightly crazy. I certainly know I’ve been a handful for my parents to handle, and I’ve behaved in harmful ways towards my family due to paranoia.

My romantic relationships have probably been the most impacted by my symptoms. I have been with my current partner for a very, very long time, we got together when I was at my worst and he’s been my rock and main support system throughout all those years.

In other words, I put my partner in a carer role unknowingly and unintentionally, which has put immense psychological pressure on him. I have in the past been very explosive and unpredictable when triggered into doing compulsions, often forcing him to participate in them as well. I’ve had issues with intimacy due to my contamination OCD, as well as intrusive thoughts caused by the Pure-O.

My education has not necessarily been affected by OCD in a negative way. I am a massive perfectionist- quite the stereotype. My academic career is actually pretty impressive. My attendance has, for a period of time, been affected by the disorder, as I was missing class multiple times a day to perform compulsions.

On a few occasions teachers pointed out my tics. When I first developed religious OCD, that was at some point in middle school. I had trouble focusing because I was praying nearly 24/7, but my grades still remained pretty high. So while it does somewhat affect my view on education, it mostly hasn’t affected my education itself, if that makes sense.

I am yet to be officially diagnosed, though the label has been thrown around a lot by doctors and psychologists. I haven’t officially received anything basically. Apparently just saying, “Wow you sure do have issues,” is enough.

Unofficially, though, through my own personal research and advice from friends and my partner, I learned about Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I read up on them, got myself a couple of workbooks, watched videos about them and got to work. I am extremely grateful to have such a caring and supportive partner, and such a great circle to support me in my recovery journey.

I’d say the most challenging aspect of OCD is accepting the thoughts as just thoughts, and realizing they have no actual root in reality. I’m not quite there yet, but I know it’s possible to come to terms with that fact and accept it.

Also the aspects most people don’t talk about, problems with intimacy, intense unstoppable guilt, the fact that the brain is ‘sticky’ and you actively have to be aware and not let any idea- no matter how mundane- plant its roots too deep in there.

People also don’t talk about how physical it is. Nobody mentions the physical side ever, but I feel like it’s extremely important to. Especially for those struggling with hypochondria or any sexual intrusive thoughts. I don’t think I can name any positives to OCD. The only positive that this has brought me is knowledge, honestly.

Now, because of the massive amounts of research I’ve done, I can help my family members who struggle with similar things. That’s not a result of the OCD though, rather a result of me being sick of it.

There are many stereotypes around OCD, namely that OCD= neat. It’s just categorically false. Anyone can be neat, whether they have a mental illness or not. Also that when someone is in the very depths of their obsessions, they can simply ‘facts and logic’ their way out of it. That’s not how it works. Obsessions go deep and they can’t be reasoned with, oftentimes the person is even aware their obsession makes no sense. It’s just that even though it’s not real, it feels real, if that makes sense at all.

I wish people were more aware that it’s not something you snap out of, or grow out of, and that compulsions are not something you willingly choose to do. It’s like something else takes over you. Also that intrusive thoughts (no matter the content) don’t make you an evil, bad or dangerous person. They’re called intrusive for a reason. If you wanted to think or imagine those things, they’d just be called regular thoughts.

Even though OCD is often presented as one of the ‘milder’ conditions, it can spiral into awful things from eating disorders to substance abuse or full blown psychosis if left alone for too long.

It’s not shameful to want to get better, no matter how much you believe others have it worse, or how much you believe your thoughts may have a 0.000000000000000000001% chance of being true. It doesn’t treat itself – YOU have to treat it. Otherwise with each day, it finds new ways to mess you up.