“I fake it until I make it almost every day.”

When I was 14 years old I knew I was ‘sad’, and I couldn’t shake it. I was so incredibly lucky to have a dad who didn’t chalk it up to ‘hormones’ or teenage drama and started the process of getting me help/ a diagnosis. As I got older I recognized things I have done my whole life that were all my illness showing through, before I was properly medicated and as self aware as I am now.

I have periods of depression where I have zero desire to interact, or even get out of bed. I binge eat, or sleep. And try to ‘act’ fine in my job, functions etc, but I just feel down and drained at the end of the day.

During my manic periods or mania I have gotten strong urges to spend money, speed, even drive through a guard rail at a high speed just to ‘see how it feels’ – but on a normal or regular day, if you were to ask my partner, co-workers or friends, they would describe my ‘hyper’ movements, long-winded speeches, and bouts of excitement or energy out of nowhere or towards nothing.

It took me about 9-10 years to get myself to a place where I am self aware enough- and under control of myself and my mind- that I can get through my job and navigate my day to day in a positive way.

It definitely made me a hard person to be with in a romantic relationship for many years. I was very easily triggered by certain things, and once I was in a manic state I would get ‘stuck’ in those mind sets. I was always seeking the high of new relationships, attention and sexual interaction for the wrong reasons for many years, until I recognized a lot of it was compulsion or false feelings caused by my illness.

I went through really strong academic and work periods, as well as weak ones all solely based on where I was in my state of mind or a manic vs a depressive episode. It quite literally consumed my life.

My family was extremely supportive and I was lucky for that – I was only 14 so although I do remember being open with my friends, I don’t think it was really understood. In my adulthood I am definitely very open and honest with people, and was always up front when dating someone new or getting a new job etc. Not necessarily from day one, but once I had a comfort level with them I explained it – it’s better to explain before something happens than trying to explain after the fact.

I was first diagnosed by my GP but before formally diagnosing me, I was sent to a psychologist for a full interview and diagnosis. I was not shocked as bipolar is in my father’s side of the family. I was more relieved to have an explanation for how I was feeling, but was also hopeful that now that we have answers, I could get treatment and feel like myself again.

My GP was fantastic but my referred psychiatrist was judgmental and intimidating from the start, which was so disheartening and upsetting. I was so confused and upset and felt like I was living an out of body experience at 14 – and to have a mental health professional look at me like a ‘teenager seeking attention’ was enough to make me give up.

Luckily, my father was my main support and advocate and kept me going. There’s no doubt the psych was knowledgeable, and was employed at our one and only mental hospital – but understanding is not something I would describe her as. That being said, she did diagnose me and sent me back to my GP, who is the one who continues my treatment and care. Thank god.

I was referred to therapy as well as medication but at 14 years old there was very little they wanted to give me, so I struggled with medication for seven years before having a complete break and going to an outpatient clinic for six months to find the right meds for me.

I have definitely come to terms with being someone who truly needs medication to live properly. But therapy, my dog, and small acts of self care (a bath, a movie alone) make a huge difference and give me time to think and process my thoughts and feelings.

There is absolutely still a stigma, as much as mental health is more talked about now and it has gotten substantially better, there are a lot of aspects that have become buzzwords or the norm. Sure it seems everyone has some mental health struggle when it comes to clinical depression and anxiety, but I feel everything outside of that is still stigmatized. 

Bipolar has been seen as some ‘bitch with crazy mood swings’ or someone who ‘turns on a dime’ or is moody, which is so far from the actual illness and what it entails. It’s still used as an accusation when talking about a cranky boss or ex partner, and it makes it sound like the illness is just mood swings, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I think it’s so important for the media to stop associating mood swings or quick changes in mood or behavior to bipolar. It is quite literally the opposite. People think it’s outbursts or lashing out because that is the only way it is ever portrayed and it’s actually full blown episodes for days or weeks. It is so misunderstood.

I wish people understood the true struggle it is to do normal things with bipolar. Instead of thinking it’s mood swings, it is about understanding it’s literally long periods of crippling depression or mania; I’m not hyper, or sad, or whatever episode I may be having at the time. I fake it until I make it almost every day. And that’s with proper medication and therapy etc:  “Why are you sad?” or, “Why are you so hyper?” or whatever the sentiment is – is so frustrating. Because although sometimes episodes can be brought on by an event or trigger, the episode sticks around because my brain doesn’t know how to shut it off or recover from it like a typical person. So the why is simply because I have a lifelong hereditary illness. Period. There doesn’t have to be another reason.