“You are only as limited as you let yourself be.”

I think I realised pretty early into my teen years that something was off in my head. From about 13 onwards, I would spend a lot of time researching the psychological symptoms I was having and a lot of them pointed to BPD, but there were certain criteria I didn’t fit, so I would sort of give up on trying to find out. I ended up being diagnosed with C-PTSD due to multiple traumas I faced in childhood and adolescence, which overlaps with many BPD symptoms and criteria.

As a result I struggle intensely with my emotional regulation and tend to lash out over very minute things. I’m also a very avoidant person in every aspect of my life due to how hyper-vigilant I am. My anger often ends up triggering either a cyclothymic depressive or hypomanic episode.

My OCD seems to be compulsion-based, however I do tend to struggle with obsessions based on my health which are debilitating in the sense that I fear foods and skincare brands. I even obsess that I may be allergic to water from time to time.

My conditions have made it rather impossible to develop healthy relationships. I would rather be alone than have to explain why I am the why I am. I often feel that I am far too much for my partner to deal with, and my OCD will cause me to obsess over our relationship – whether or not he loves me – and it will trick me into thinking he is only with me so I won’t take my own life. In 2021, at the beginning of what would be one of my worst depressive episodes, I quit my job and have been unemployed since.

Mania for me would seem mild from an outside view because cyclothymia is essentially a less intense form of bipolar, although my lows can be quite low. A hypomanic episode for me involves decreased need or want for sleep, spending money I definitely don’t have on things I definitely don’t need such as furniture (euthymic me never appreciates this), extremely elevated moods where I can talk and move nonstop for what seems to be hours (even if I know I’m being annoying), and cleaning my house at all hours of the night.

Whilst this all seems like fun and games, I am also very, very, very irritable during a hypomanic episode and as my C-PTSD means I don’t regulate my emotions well, my rage increases tenfold. Anyone in my line of fire would not know I was going to snap until it is too late. It is generally when my irritability finally gets the better of me that I fall into a depressive episode, which generally involves the textbook symptoms of avoiding getting out of bed, not showering or eating, a lot of crying, and increased suicidal ideation along with self-harm.

In a depressive state I am just as irritable as I am when I’m hypomanic, but I’m more aware, apologetic and self-blaming. The biggest difference of cyclothymia from bipolar 1 and 2 is that cyclothymia is often less intense and episodes occur less often. Cyclothymia is also less recognised than Bipolar Type 1 or 2 because people are usually diagnosed with depression instead (which I have been) and those who suffer with cyclothymia feel like they are able to manage their episodes well enough with therapy instead of needing or wanting medication.

After many years of public hospital counselling, incorrect diagnoses and medications that just did not work, I qualified for trauma-specific funded counselling in my country. This then resulted in an almost two hour long psychiatrist’s appointment that subsequently led to the multiple diagnoses.

Finding out that I fit the criteria for my diagnoses was a relief, but I now felt like I’d been categorised among the ‘crazies’, as that’s often how our mental illnesses are portrayed in mainstream media. Although I advocate quite largely for OCD, C-PTSD and eating disorders, I have never openly admitted to anyone that isn’t my partner or closest friend that I struggle with these illnesses because I worry that they’ll either view me as some kind of freak show or at that I run the risk of being ridiculed.

I’m constantly correcting people on the context they use the terms OCD and C-PTSD in. People use them as adjectives rather than acknowledging that they are mental illnesses. I have a friend who will call themselves OCD for liking to have a tidy room. I don’t think people realise how damaging it is to misuse the terms OCD and PTSD incorrectly, because it stops those of us suffering from them from being treated properly.

I feel like OCD and CPTSD are two of the most heavily misrepresented disorders in the media. OCD is often portrayed as a cleaning issue and PTSD is often still portrayed as ‘shell shock’ and related to people such as war veterans. I feel like C-PTSD is heavily underrepresented. I wish people would talk more about the less recognised parts of C-PTSD like delayed development or cognitive impairment.

I have found person-centred therapy to be helpful in managing my symptoms although I still feel like I haven’t actually gained any adaptive skills that actually help me as my biggest ‘strategy’ is to just avoid any potential triggers.

It’s so overused as a phrase and eventually it does get annoying to hear, but it does get better. Episodes end. Learn to apologise – I think we often forget that a reason is not an excuse. I’ve been told by so many therapists that my disorders are with me for life – that I will never be ‘cured’ – but remember you are only as limited as you let yourself be. One of my favourite songs says, “Therapy is tiring- but so is hiding how you feel.”