“I really don’t think I can explain the impact of SZPD on my life. It’s just like being alive but not living.”

The main symptom of my SZPD is not wanting to take part in any social activity. At first I thought I was just being lazy and shy- I wasn’t, I just didn’t want to get involved with other people. I just wanted to be alone.

I used to think being complimented was top tier. I just realized it isn’t. You are meant to feel happy when complimented or sad when criticized, but I feel nothing. It doesn’t matter to me. I failed a project recently and I was being criticized for it, but I didn’t feel remorseful or sad, even after I was told to repeat the same project.

Outside of my family, I’ve got a few friends and that’s because we happen to either work at the same place or go to school at the same place, but the friendship ends there. Making new friends is just a big no for me, because I get bored and I ghost them for no reason.  

Having to make a decision is where the SZPD affects me more. Most people think I’m a pushover, but I’m not. As long as your decision doesn’t affect me negatively, then what’s wrong with just agreeing with you? That’s always how I see things, but most people don’t get it.

I have to pretend I’m normal in front of everyone- even my family- but it feels like during the day, I have this mask on. At night, it’s just me. Sometimes I think I’m a robot. I really don’t think I can explain the impact of SZPD on my life. It’s just like being alive but not living. I have no goals, no motivation or insight on anything. I just work because I know I need the money. It turns out the things I like are expensive.

It really doesn’t affect my work or school because everyone thinks I’m always full of energy and happy. I try to fit into conversations sometimes, otherwise I’m just always on my phone. I smile a lot, even though deep down I’m always confused about why I’m smiling.

I mask a lot, but it’s not as difficult as you might imagine because I can fool myself into thinking that the mask is actually my true feelings sometimes. I would have said it’s exhausting to mask, but I’m always so tired that I have no energy for anything, masking or not. I really don’t think it has that much of an effect on me personally anymore, probably because I’m so good at it.

I’ve not been medically diagnosed yet with SZPD, but I reached out to a couple of practitioners who advised I go see a therapist in person for a formal diagnosis. My parents know nothing about my mental health. My older brother does, but I haven’t told him yet about the SZPD. I just don’t know how to tell my family.

It sucks that there isn’t enough awareness on Schizoid PD, or any other personality disorder. I really can’t comment on people’s perceptions of me, because most of them act and judge based on ignorance and lack of knowledge. It’s not easy at all, you have to spell out your own definition of living or you’ll die depressed.