“It’s not a choice or a voluntary trait; it’s a disorder that needs attention from medical professionals.”

I’ve always had symptoms of OCD; I just didn’t know it was OCD nor were the symptoms debilitating at the time, as would become the case during my university days.

I first realized that something was terribly wrong when I was in my second year of legal studies. Each time I’d write an exam or a test, and walk out of the exam hall after completing, the OCD-related intrusive thought would kick in, shouting at me in my head, “You didn’t write your student details on the front page of the answer sheet! This means that the lecturer won’t know whose answer sheet it is, and you won’t get a mark. You’re going to fail!”

I would then engage in hours and hours of mental compulsions (ruminations), going through in my head exactly what I did (or didn’t do) as I entered the exam hall and was required to fill in my student details on the answer sheet. Of course, the OCD would make it feel so real that I’d be convinced that I hadn’t written my student details, thus I’d inevitably fail the subject. And that cycle would continue each time I had an exam or a test.

The symptoms that I experience day-to-day are; intrusive thoughts (obsessions) kicking in randomly and making the ‘fear’ feel so real that my anxiety keeps spiking. I then need to engage in either physical or mental compulsions to try and lessen the anxiety. I may or may not feel less anxious after doing the compulsion, but once I do the compulsion, it’s a recipe for disaster because the cycle of obsessions and compulsions spirals out of control; a never-ending cycle.

Some of the physical symptoms that I experience because of OCD are headache, body ache, body chills, tightening of the chest, and extreme fatigue. These physical symptoms manifest when I spend several hours doing compulsions. My brain gets so tired that the mental exhaustion manifests through these physical symptoms. They’re debilitating.

One of the hardest parts of living with OCD is the toll it takes on relationships. I’m transparent about my OCD diagnosis, and my immediate family is extremely supportive towards me and my recovery journey. However, when I’m going through a day or phase wherein the OCD is ‘at its loudest’, I tend to cocoon myself in my bedroom, avoiding most contact with them. Of course, it hurts them to see me isolating myself, but they understand and support me nevertheless. It is for this reason that I’ve managed to maintain my relationship with my family.

On the other hand, I’ve found that entering and maintaining a romantic relationship is extremely difficult for me because of the OCD. I wouldn’t tell my ex-partners about my diagnosis, and those relationships would be deeply affected, resulting in break-ups.

To elaborate, I would be with my (ex) partner and an intrusive thought would kick in – demanding my full attention and forcing me to engage in compulsions. Then, to do those compulsions, I’d find myself disconnected from my partner and the moment that we’d be sharing, thus resulting in my partner’s disappointment; that I’m aloof and don’t care.

The biggest impact the OCD has had on my work life was when I graduated from university and started working as a reporter at a community media outlet. Everything was going well and I was quickly rising ranks in the company – passionate about the work I was doing and proud of my writing skills that many people would compliment me for. By that time, I’d been diagnosed and working robustly on my recovery journey.

The recovery journey, however, is not linear and, despite being aware of OCD’s ‘traps’, I fell right into them. I was at a court house one morning, covering a local case. I took down notes and headed back to the office to write and publish an article on that morning’s court proceedings.

Once I completed with the article, I forwarded a copy to my sub-editor who made substantial changes to my version of the article. It was a routine sub-editing procedure, but on that day, OCD had convinced me that I was a terrible writer and should stop writing. It had felt so real that I had stopped writing articles and reporting, and requested that I be moved to the podcast production department of the media house.

To date, OCD – from time to time – tries to convince me that I’m a terrible writer, but thankfully, through treatment (therapy) and my determination to recover, I’ve managed to find the willpower to not listen to those intrusive thoughts and continue to do what I love the most: write.

I received the OCD diagnosis during my final year at university. During that period, I was in the depth of OCD’s ‘traps’ and did not know what was wrong with me. Coincidentally, I came across John Green’s fiction novel, Turtles All The Way Down, wherein the protagonist has OCD. Whilst reading the novel, I was like, “This is me! This is the mental health disorder I have!” Grateful to have a (possible) name to my mental health challenges, I sought medical advice of a psychologist and got diagnosed with OCD. 

Once I was diagnosed, I was placed on medication (Lexapro) and therapy, namely Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. Both the medication and therapy have been helpful, but for me (personally), ERP has been the catalyst for me living a normal and wholesome life – not cured of OCD but knowing how to manage it.

I’m vocal and transparent about my OCD diagnosis, and advocate for OCD recovery in my small, personal capacity via my social media platforms. The reactions from those that I personally know and those that I don’t have been heart-warming. To receive feedback, messages, emails, and comments that I’m making a difference through the sharing of my experiences is what keeps me going.   

Without the risk of sounding subjective, OCD – in my opinion and experience – is one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized mental health disorders. From it being stereotyped in films and real life as an ‘incessant hand washing’ disorder to being told to ‘get over it’, OCD is deeply stigmatized and misunderstood.

Having said this, through the advocacy and awareness of individuals and platforms such as this one, OCD – like other mental health disorders – is being correctly represented in the mainstream, and I think it’s only a matter of time that the stereotypes and stigmas will be narrowed, if not completely eradicated.

I’d like people to know that OCD is a debilitating mental health disorder that has the ability to ruin lives of those who struggle with it. It’s not a choice or a voluntary trait; it’s a disorder that needs attention from medical professionals.

I’d also like people to know that it’s a disorder that can be treated through therapy and/or medication, and if you may be struggling with it, please seek professional help and start the treatment. You don’t need to live your life through the lenses of OCD; you can be freed from its traps and love, be loved, and live a wholesome life.