“I’m almost obsessed with reflecting on every small action I do, since I’m scared of a bad outcome.”

It’s a tough question to ask yourself: “Where does your personality begin, and your disorder end?”

I dissociate a lot, that’s for sure. I also feel very intensely or not at all, everything is either dramatic and all-encompassing or very boring and blunt to me.

I have a long history with psychology and therapy, but I believe the first time I got diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder was about five years ago, so when I was eighteen. It’s hard to remember.

In my day to day live it affects me positively and negatively. It’s not black and white. I am very good when it comes to working in groups for example, since I tend to instinctively take up a leading role. It’s very tough to define how close you are to someone though, at least for me.

In my relationships I’m almost obsessed with reflecting on every small action I do, since I’m scared of a bad outcome. It’s weird when you get told you’re manipulative, especially in your childhood/teenage years since you’ll end up always second guessing your own actions, scanning them for how what you say or do could condition others accidentally.

In school (I’m in an apprenticeship at the moment) it’s a mostly positive though, I guess. It’s easy for me to act as someone likeable- not to gain sympathy or anything, but because it’s just easier I guess. I mirror a lot. It’s a weird mixture of being content with people liking you and at the same time feeling like they don’t actually like you, but a facade you’ve shown them. I hope that makes sense.

My journey through the psychological and diagnostic facilities could fill books.

I was wrongly diagnosed with ADHD, ASPD and BPD at different times as a kid/teen. Eventually, while I was in a mental health facility, they looked at the records and changed the diagnosis. I can’t really remember it in detail though, I repressed a lot from that time.

I had different forms of therapy eventually. Behaviour therapy and psychotherapy based on depth psychology in particular. I met a lot of bad doctors over the years, but the last therapist I had really helped me understand what the diagnosis itself meant and helped me accept that it always will be a part of me.

I think accepting that was the hardest thing about it, especially without taking it as an excuse, in a way. I’d say in the end I found some professionals who were both knowledgeable and compassionate – that was definitely not the norm in my experience.

I try to be open about my HPD. It doesn’t always work though. My partner knows about it of course, as well as my close circle and my family. I do not mention it in my school/work environment though, I don’t see any benefit in it.

The reactions have been all over the place to be honest. A lot of sympathy/pity, some antagonisation as well though. I’ve found that the things ‘normal’ people do are very weird to me, and it always stirs up the pot to some extent.

Regarding the stigma thing, I’ve found that a lot of people know next to nothing about HPD, and the few that do always compare it to either ASPD (which always ends up with some sociopathy discussion) or they compare it with BPD. In one instance, someone said to me, “Oh what? So you’re charming and always get attention? That’s not a disorder that’s a blessing.” I don’t know why, but that kind of broke me in a way, I started being more careful with who I talked about it afterwards.

With many things it’s not black and white, as I mentioned. It’s a resource as well as it is a curse, but it’s still not something I got voluntarily, you know? It’s weird. Just as someone with BPD is not a manipulative wreck, and just as someone with ASPD is not a psychopath, someone with HPD is not an attention-starved actor.

I have met people with ASPD and BPD, especially since I have someone with BPD in my family, but I don’t think I have met someone else with HPD yet. At least not someone that talked about it, as far as I know.

To be honest with you, I have never heard neither HPD nor APD or BPD for that matter in mordern media. It’s always ‘sociopath’ this, ‘psychopath’ that, ‘depressed’ this, ‘ADHD’ that. The spectrum is so much more than just, what, the six mainstream diagnoses that are media-relevant nowadays?

I wish people knew that HPD is not ADHD. I feel like no matter if it’s BPD, ASPD or HPD, it always gets related back to ADHD or similar symptoms. I feel like people that are not neurodivergent fail to see the bigger picture of it all. It’s tough as hell to not give up on yourself and say, “Fuck it,” and let yourself fall into bad habits, just because by then people at least realise how bad it has become. It’s the, “I never knew he was suicidal until he killed himself,” argument all over again, in a way.

It’s tough out there for us. Have some compassion, no matter if it’s towards people with a personality disorder or people without one, just in general. I wish people would reflect on their own actions more. It feels unfair in a way that only ‘we afflicted’ have to always be careful what to say and what to do.