“HPD is very much a real disorder and not a female/milder version of narcissism.”

I began noticing symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) when I was 17. I remember in particular this one time I saw a person in a stage performing- I instantly got envious and felt a pit brewing within me. There was an urge to be the one on the stage performing instead of them. It was the only way I’d feel better.

Also, whenever I felt like I wasn’t paid much attention to, I’d begin faking illnesses, experiences or injuries so I could regain the focus back onyo myself. I always found my behavior to be normal until people began calling me out for it. The truth is, I’ve always been this way, ever since I was a kid, and I never grew out of it. Thankfully, I got diagnosed at 18 with HPD after being misdiagnosed with BPD for so long.

Symptom-wise, things such as being uncomfortable when I’m not the center of attention are the most noticeable and intense ones. However, my suggestibility and overestimation of relationships is often overlooked, even if it also happens frequently.

I’d lose friends because they couldn’t stand my behavior when I would lie about extreme circumstances or they saw how superficial I seemed. I’ve had multiple failed relationships that I lost track of.  Moreover, I move on too easily, and flirt with many people which causes huge issues in my relationships.

In school, I experienced being slut-shamed by other women and became notorious for being dramatic. The criticism I received was awful, but I would return the next day as if nothing happened and continue acting the way I did, grateful that they’re at least talking about me.

I got my diagnosis after more than a year of counseling, psychiatric appointments and therapy. Some of the professionals I dealt with weren’t competent enough to give me an accurate diagnosis, which explains why I was misdiagnosed for so long. It took time before I found the right one. She was an understanding and excellent therapist, and offered me CBT treatment. Practicing mindfulness has also been quite helpful to some extent, but nothing much aside from that has helped.

I’ve been pretty vocal about having HPD. So far, I’ve received a lot of support from my friends, family and some other people about battling with this disorder. Nevertheless, I’d sometimes come across people who would bring up Amber Heard when I mentioned it or they would call HPD a female or milder version of NPD. Not only that, but they would diminish the negative impact of HPD as a PD.

In addition, there would be folks, especially men, who would glamorize and fetishize this disorder. A guy once told me, “Your HPD makes you hot,” while sexually harassing me in DMs. The over-sexualized portrayal of Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad definitely added to the glamorization and fetishization of HPD and ‘crazy girls’.

Truthfully, it hasn’t been that difficult for me to find a community online. I found a community on Reddit, Facebook, Discord, Instagram and more. Although at times, I would encounter servers or groups that exclude HPD in the Cluster B category, and I would find myself telling them to include it.

I wish people knew that HPD is very much a real disorder and not a female/milder version of narcissism, nor is it ‘not bad enough’. I wish people would quit undermining the challenges that come with HPD and how it affects the Histrionics that suffer with it. It is its own disorder, and hopefully, others will start recognizing and spreading awareness regarding it.