“OCD often preys on the things you are most afraid of and would never do.”

I first noticed there was something off around 17, but when I looked back after diagnosis, I realized I had been experiencing symptoms since childhood and just didn’t realize it wasn’t right.

Growing up my obsessions heavily revolved around loved ones dying, and trying to prevent it with compulsions (I could only use certain products in the shower, had to be facing a certain way at all times, I blinked in patterns, I touched objects until it felt right, everything had to be ‘even’, I would force myself to ruminate over and over in the thought, wouldn’t allow myself to relax, etc). It pretty much felt like the entire world depended on me moving and speaking and existing just right.

It’s hard to list all the compulsions, because often my brain would just come up with it on the spot and say, “If you don’t do this, everyone will die,” out of nowhere. I would associate pretty much any bad event (death, bad weather, war) with me doing something ‘wrong’ and then would develop more compulsions to ‘fix it’.

It was at around 17 when I noticed it was definitely a problem, as my distress reached a point of having distress-fuelled explosions and becoming too paranoid to leave my house at times. If I couldn’t get a compulsion just right, I would very quickly spiral into tic fits (I’m not sure if that’s the right term, it’s just what I called them) and smacking myself and hyperventilating. I hurt myself often during that time.

If I didn’t ruminate long enough on a thought I would completely lose function believing I had just allowed the fear to come true. Ruminating also caused loss of function. I would spend a lot of time trapped in my head and unable to do much else.

I partly started doing drugs to attempt to quiet this down, but whenever I would be sober it would just be ten times worse. I was a mess. I got diagnosed when I was around 20 and started to notice all the small and large ways it was affecting my life, and started to make some progress identifying when it was showing up.

The symptoms have definitely shifted depending on where I am in life. Post-partum, my obsessions and compulsions heavily revolve around my baby. Vivid intrusive images of horrible things happening to her, a lot of compulsions revolving around protecting her. I was afraid to even let her leave the house without me, as I was afraid if I didn’t have immediate access to her at all times, she would die and it would be my fault. I wouldn’t even leave her alone with her father, even though I trusted him, just in case she spontaneously caught on fire or something when I wasn’t looking.

I engaged in a lot of checking, pacing, etc. I barely slept as a result of needing to complete my nightly compulsions for her ‘safety’. This dragged on well into her third year of life, but thankfully started to decrease in intensity.

Now my general theme is the same as it has always been (death or harm of loved ones) but the compulsions have died down a lot. Mental rumination is the main symptom, which still causes heavy distress, but I am no longer completely occupying my day with physical compulsions and have gotten better at identifying mental rumination and trying to accept the fear instead of fighting it. It still takes up large chunks of my day, but not nearly as much, finally.

Before I understood what was happening, I was pretty good at hiding it so it didn’t cause many problems. Once it reached a breaking point (teens), it would come out being perceived as very neurotic/controlling. Myself and everyone else viewed it as heavy anxiety, and I was very intensely bullied for my inability to just shut it off.

It was definitely worse when I was friends with people who simply didn’t believe in mental illness, but even with my loved ones who really cared about me, it has caused many rifts. Even though it isn’t my intention, it very much does come off controlling and has many times caused established plans or otherwise enjoyable events to evolve into a crisis.

My current support circle definitely tries their best, but I have had to work very hard on being able to verbalize what is happening in my head to prevent misinterpretations or unintentional insults (for example when I was afraid to leave my daughter alone with her dad, this caused many fights as he felt I just didn’t trust him with his own child).

It is much better now that I’ve been more able to explain myself, but still causes problems every so often due to misunderstandings. I’m not sure how much it has impacted my ability to work or go to school, as there are many other factors in my inability to do those things.

I got my diagnosis after my last trip to inpatient. One of my friends had just passed away, which caused my fears and obsessions to increase substantially and I now had ‘proof’ my fears were ‘right’. I checked myself in to prevent an inevitable crisis.

I was very open with the therapist in there about what I now know were OCD thoughts and compulsions. It felt very reasonable to me at the time, I didn’t realize any of it was irrational. He recommended me to a therapist outside who then officially diagnosed me, but I stopped seeing her shortly after so I didn’t think much of it. That diagnosis was reconfirmed after I started seeing my current therapist a few years ago.

I felt relieved to know what it was, honestly. It opened a door to another thing I needed to work on, but at least I knew it was something I could work on and I wasn’t alone. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it until after I had my daughter but now I am very open and public about it.

One of my friends actually asks me often to send her any posts I see about the subject so she can learn more, because she also had the ‘clean freak’ misconception before meeting me. I think a lot of people don’t understand not only how large the scope of obsessions is, but how distressing it is and all the ways compulsions present. It’s often seen as a joke, and when you talk about how debilitating it is, many people still scoff at the idea of it causing that much damage. Similar to ADHD, it’s treated much less seriously than it actually is.

And on the flip side, when people are more blatant about their obsessions, the really ‘bad’ ones (pedophelia, hurting others, etc) are still treated when almost disgust. As if the person suffering wants to be thinking about these things, when it is quite the opposite and OCD often preys on the things you are most afraid of and would never do. Others still don’t seem to understand this. I got very lucky that my therapist specialized in post-partum disorders, or I believe my daughter would have been taken from me due to my OCD revolving around her.

I wish people knew that it isn’t a reflection of my character and how hard I work on it, even if sometimes I can’t manage it as well as I’d like to. It’s a daily, constant battle, and no matter how irrational it seems to others, it is very real and distressing for me. It isn’t drama, and I can’t stop it, the best I can do is ride through it. And it is hard to do sometimes when it feels so real.

I deeply grieve a loss that hasn’t even happened every other week. I view myself as a monster every time I have a vivid intrusive thought. I shame myself every time I have a meltdown. I am hard enough on myself, and I need others to remind me these things are not ‘me’ and help me ground in reality when I forget, not feed me more shame and isolate me in my fear.

It is exhausting. And I am doing my best. All the time.