“This is often presented as only a ‘girl’s disease’, and often a sign of weakness or, alternately, hostility and threat in men.”
I think I have known, since childhood or adolescence, that something wasn’t right. I often saw things as moral imperatives (black and white thinking, basically) and would have very large emotional reactions because of the pain it caused when others didn’t follow them.
Of the nine criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, I struggle with eight of them daily. Most intense is my unstable sense of self, which leads to a constant emotional ‘fight or flight’ response. Basically, because I don’t know who or what I am, I constantly feel under threat or attack when people don’t follow the written rules of society.
Those rules and structure are really the only thing giving any stability in my life. When they are violated on a daily basis, it leads to a sense of emotional terror and fear which results in angry outbursts. These, in my head, protect me from danger, but nobody else sees the threat and nobody else sees the response as rational, so I’m seen as the violent one.
The biggest struggle I face, daily, is understanding why people have to follow some rules but not others, or can arbitrarily pick and choose which rules to follow.
I also struggle with rigid definitions and black and white thinking. So many times, rules and expectations exacerbate my symptoms. I’ve been in legal trouble because of this, and lost access to my family.
I was in ‘family’ counseling, and my ex would tell me what a horrible husband/father/parent/caretaker/lover etc. I was. The therapist would constantly say things like, “Do you hear what she’s saying?” and I would say yes, but kept trying to explain how hurt and scared I felt by those comments.
Finally, I quit trying to beg to be loved, and kept saying “What do you want me to do?” or “How do you want me to act?” because I honestly had no clue. The therapist finally screamed at me, “I can’t deal with you! You’re borderline and incurable!” and stormed out of the room waving his hands.
From then, I bounced from doctor to doctor, therapist to therapist, begging for help. Most of them had no clue, and treated it like depression or Bipolar Disorder with mixed episodes. It was years of wrong meds, bad therapy, DBT-light (cover the skills in an hour or two), etc. I had very little help or treatment from anyone for a long time.
My symptoms make me vulnerable to abuse, especially in romantic partners. I am finally in a relationship that is healthy and supportive and respectful, so I can be conscious of triggers or flares well before they occur. However, before this, I would lose jobs or grades because of symptoms.
Media representations are hard because people only see the external. For example, in the film Girl, Interrupted, the Lisa character is clearly extroverted BPD in my view, but we only see the external rage, the push away, the difficult relationships, etc. We don’t see the internal turmoil, the layers of guilt and shame and terror she’s masking, etc. It’s always shown that a BPD character is impulsive, or addictive, or manipulative, but rarely that they’re scared and hurt to an unimaginable level. I have heard that ‘Borderline Coffee’ is good, but have never seen it. Books are better, but they’re difficult to find.
As far as gendered, male BPD is represented, I can think of Roger from American Dad, Bojack Horseman and possibly Anakin Skywalker, so we don’t even get human representation as AMAB. Yes, this is often presented as only a ‘girl’s disease’, and often a sign of weakness or, alternately, hostility and threat in men. Usually at the same time, so that’s fun.
My advice would be to get community and get medical help. The world doesn’t make sense, and neurotypicals don’t get that. Folks with BPD can help explain how to navigate the craziness of the world. Meds can take the edge off so the therapy- DBT, CBT, etc- can work. I’ve found that they won’t change you or take away what you are, just take the edge off so you can be you better.
