“They love me until the symptoms show.”

I always felt like there was something different about me. People would explain it as, “You’re weird, but in a good way”, but it’s never felt good having extreme mood swings, feeling emotions so deeply, wanting to turn all the mirrors around because you can’t stand yourself, having chronic feelings of emptiness, constantly asking questions, having unstable relationships, being so on edge you already know what’s going to happen before it happens, self sabotaging, engaging in impulsiveness, self harm and suicidal thoughts/threats/behaviours, the frantic efforts to avoid real or even imagined abandonment, and not feeling real or like a person. 

I’ve met people who have made me feel like a person. They love me until the symptoms show then it goes from validation, compliments and, “You’re a good type of weird” to, “Attention seeker”, “You’re a psychopath”, “Manipulative”, “Toxic” etc. They see me the way I see myself. It’s like the kind of tired sleep can’t fix. It’s always made me feel so embarrassed and like I’m a horrible person but it’s not like that, I’m very misunderstood. 

It took years of therapy, wrong diagnoses, medications and examinations for psychiatrists to come to the conclusion I have Borderline Personality Disorder. A lot of people don’t like being diagnosed, but personally it helped me. It doesn’t define me- it explains who I am.

But then there’s the awful stigma around personality disorders; self-diagnosing, making them a ‘trend’, the endless comments about being toxic, manipulative, psychotic and even some people say we aren’t worthy of love… I don’t expect anyone to understand, I can’t even understand myself. 

It’s so important for people who have loved ones with BPD to educate themselves on the disorder, notice triggers, be consistent, listen, be patient, be kind and note that we are very worthy of love – when we love, we love the most. We also have the purest intentions and are extremely loyal, creative, honest and brave.

However it is also important for people to look after themselves too. I understand myself that it must be stressful and difficult from my family and friends’ perspectives. Please try to see the good behind the crazy. I am still learning and I still have so many parts of me to meet. 

My BPD affects my relationships a lot because I see things very differently- as some people would say, out of context. I quite often find myself looking for faults in people, feeling that something is going on behind my back, examining; texts, tone of voice, other people’s behaviours towards me, etc. It can be exploited. Very often people will do horrible things, and then proceed to tell me it’s paranoia and all in my head.

Self-sabotaging for me is ruining everything good in my life because that’s what I’m best at and I feel I don’t deserve anything good. I’m impulsive with spending, I was very impulsive with substances (I got substance misuse therapy and have been off drugs for over a year now) and changing my appearance; hair colour, clothes, getting tattoos etc.

I do experience splitting. I feel in ‘black and white’ a lot. People will say something that doesn’t sound right to me, and instead of communicating the issue, it’s like something takes over me and I just feel I don’t need them anyway- why would I want them in my life if they’re going to hurt me? After it’s turned into an explosive argument and we’ve decided to go our separate ways, I find myself feeling so alone and consistently bothering the person to get them back in my life (even if they were in the wrong). I find myself getting emotional and communicating my feelings a lot, so then people tell me they love me and that they’re never going to leave me. Someone once told me I was ‘constant’.

I was first put into CAMHS after my first suicide attempt when I was 11 and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. During adolescence I had a lot of traumatic events to deal with; I was bullied at school to the point I had to leave mainstream school. I went to school in a psychiatric ward for a bit and also studied at a behavioural unit – I spent a lot of time in hospital recovering from lots of suicide attempts and family passing away. I was at the Ariana Grande Manchester Arena bombing, and there’s a lot more that’s gone on.

I had a neuropsychological assessment done when I was 14 due to being told by a psychiatrist I was autistic. The experts from there told me there was no chance I was autistic, if it was anything it was Borderline Personality Disorder – it wasn’t diagnosed because I was still an adolescent, and I was put in for DBT therapy to try and manage it. I later on got diagnosed at 17 and I was extremely thankful, because then everything made more sense. 

I never know all of my triggers. I can identify some; someone’s left my message on delivered but they are active on social media, if I like someone and they comment on another girl’s photo/ a girl comments on theirs, criticism, rejection, when people walk away I feel they don’t care. Sometimes with my feelings I’m very honest and I tend to offend people. Even the way a text is written, and honestly there are probably so many more triggers I’m still learning.

People in my life quite often say, “Stop overreacting”, “Calm down”, “Just get over it”, “You can control your mood swings”, or, “Stop being dramatic/attention seeking” then I feel I have to keep everything to myself. Sometimes I make situations worse by communicating how I feel. It feels like I talk a different language, and sometimes I can’t even explain it.