“I wish people knew that NPD =/= abuser.”

I have had symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder since I was a child. I don’t recall exactly when this occurred, but I have a very vivid memory of my coddling, spoiling, and sexually abusive mother telling me that I was so smart, I must be the reincarnation of Einstein. I looked in the mirror with a sense of self-importance that I have chased after ever since.

These symptoms for me include believing that I am a genius, that I am smarter than all those around me, and at the same time am deeply wounded and have low self-esteem. I idealize and hate myself at the same time. These symptoms are quite typical of NPD, so it’s a wonder it took me so long to get diagnosed. I find that the self-hatred is often more intense than the self-aggrandizing for me, unfortunately.

NPD affects me in every aspect of life. My relationships are all-or-nothing: I either trust someone (or very few ‘someones’) fully, or not at all. I am polite to those I don’t trust, but I keep acquaintances and even friends at arm’s length, often for years.

I have no contact now with my abusive family, and they would say that is narcissism, but I know it’s actually my self-preservation.

NPD affects my work life and my hobbies in that I have to be the best at everything I do or I flip into self-loathing. I am competitive with other people in my field (needle arts) and I push myself constantly to meet my own extremely high standards. I compare myself to others all the time– how else will I know if I’m the best?

I self-diagnosed at first, after doing research online (yes, actual research, not reading WebMD). I pursued a professional diagnosis after that, and got one from the first psych I saw. I was happy with my diagnosis, actually–it was nice to have confirmed what I knew to be true. I actually did not receive treatment. I should have. Her recommendation was that I take a class on social skills which I felt was pointless. I later put myself through outpatient DBT therapy.

I am currently on Abilify and Prozac. The former is essential to my mood, the latter doesn’t do much but my psych is too scared to take me off it after seeing how suicidal I can get. Abilify has drastically improved my quality of life, I even feel happy sometimes. I also took two semesters’ worth of DBT through my college, and it helped a little. I found distress tolerance to be useful and still do; the rest was not.

None of my friends (who I’ve told) believe that I have NPD, even with a diagnosis: “You’re too nice and not a serial killer!” (Yes, this is literally something I was told). I have met others with NPD but only online; we mostly get along well. Some of them are competition, though.

I wish people knew that NPD =/= abuser. Most of us with it were abused ourselves and developed it as a coping response. Some of us do have some empathy (I have cognitive empathy but not much affective) but even those without it can still be good people.

Anecdote for you: once I spent days on the verge of suicide because I got 70% on a test and I was expecting better. By better of course I mean 100% and nothing less. See what I mean about extreme standards?

I am queer (bisexual) and transgender. In my case I identify my gender with microlabels, including narkissigender, a gender for those with NPD. I see myself as being ‘above’ typical gender roles and even gender itself. I resent being seen in gendered terms like ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’, because to me these don’t mean anything and they don’t represent who I am.