“Everyone made me feel like I was crazy.”

I first began noticing something was wrong when I was a sophomore in high school.

I started to chatter my teeth (shiver), vomit, and experienced major stomach issues (embarrassing and out of my control). I had a racing heart and this overwhelming fear that I was dying. All of these symptoms came together. It was never one thing or the other, it was all at once. I felt like I was being internally tortured.

I’m now 27 and it usually gets triggered when someone around me is upset or angry, or if I hear a child crying (not even my own). I become highly sensitive to everyone around me. Their mannerisms, their emotions… and it would feed my fear.

I cannot drive in the car without having a vomit bag and I usually avoid leaving my house at all. I have developed agoraphobia within the past three years. If I do not have to leave the house, I won’t.

There was a point though that it was instant panic as soon as I woke up in the morning and I felt like I couldn’t get a break before the next panic attack hit. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Because I would get sick during every panic attack, it made me start to panic every time I ate something, which then made me stop eating for days. I started going to the ER constantly because I was convinced I was dying.

My primary care doctor insisted my tests were fine and nothing was wrong with me. I had a huge panic episode one day and went to the ER, I told them all of my symptoms and they did the normal routine bloodwork and testing. They told me that they thought I just had a nervous stomach and to follow up with my primary.

They then gave me some medicine to essentially ‘knock me out’ and as I was falling to sleep, I heard the nurse say, “Let’s get this mental case to sleep so we can get her out of here,” and it hit me in that moment, I have never felt so alone and so embarrassed in my life. Everyone made me feel like I was crazy and that I wasn’t normal or that I was some sort of burden.

Three months later I found a therapist within my insurance who diagnosed me with severe panic disorder, GAD and PTSD. The professionals I dealt with were not understanding and almost made me feel like I was a waste of air. It took almost two whole years for me to get my answers.

Being around people who are understanding and willing to learn about my mental illness is a huge factor. When I feel a panic attack coming I will get up and walk around or step outside and put my feet on the grass. Grounding helps more than I ever thought it could. I also find that using a cold ice pack on my face and neck while sipping ice water alleviates my nausea and brings me back to reality.

All of these things I have had to find out on my own. What works, what doesn’t. It’s unfortunate because sometimes we are told to just ‘deal with it’ but that was not going to be my reality for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t allow it.

I think there is an unfortunate wave that it has become almost ‘trendy’ to have an anxiety disorder or any sort of mental illness. It is not a trend and it is insulting to those who struggle every single day with the battle in their own mind.

I think it is more accepted when it comes to social settings because a lot of people do struggle with anxiety in some capacity. I think there is a stigma that still remains that people with anxiety and panic disorder are ‘weak’ and ‘fragile’. We are not.

I don’t know for sure if this could have been prevented. But I do know that it all stems from something. My parents knew I was struggling and I requested very early on at the age of 16 for me to go and see a counsellor, and they refused to send me. I often wonder if this could have been prevented or at least minimized. I’d just like people to know, especially parents, that it is much easier to love and care for a child than it is to repair a broken adult.