“There are so many aspects of my diagnosis that I, nor people around me, knew were OCD.”

I was nine years old when anxiety started taking over my life. I was constantly in my head. I was overly scared of things around me, and scared of things I was thinking.

At that time we didn’t know it was OCD. I had to ‘confess’ everything to my mom. Anything that I felt may be ‘bad’, or if something felt unsafe, she had to tell me it was okay in order for me to calm down. The rumination was exhausting.

Then came some of the more stereotypical symptoms of OCD such as checking light switches, washing my hands until they hurt and being worried everything was ‘toxic’ and could hurt me. The reassurance-seeking took a toll. Not just on me, but my family.

My parents were trying so hard to get me the help I needed. I started therapy, but hated going. As much as the anxiety and worry affected me, I know it was hard for my parents too.

Throughout my school years, the symptoms shifted. I was able to gain control of some aspects of my OCD, such as the cleaning and washing hands. However, reassurance seeking has always been a constant with me. The anxiety turned into depression in my teenage years. I continued with therapy and medication.

After high school and into my early twenties, the anxiety would become crippling. The panic attacks started and no one around me really knew how to help me. I could see they felt helpless at times. I would call in sick to work, or just spend days sleeping to avoid the constant anxieties and fear my mind created.

When the symptoms started when I was a child, there was only one therapist that finally labelled it as OCD. It was actually comforting to have a label for it. However, therapy and treatment for OCD back in the late 90s was very different than it is now.

As I got older, no one really thought what I was experiencing was OCD. They would only diagnose the depression and the anxiety. One doctor said I had Borderline Personality Disorder. It wasn’t until my late 20s I finally found an OCD specialist, talked to him about what I was going through and got the help that changed my life. The ‘label’ for me was a blessing.

The therapist I have now been seeing for six years does Exposure Response Prevention. All my life people told me to, “Think about something else”- to distract myself from my thoughts. Do anything to avoid the triggers. This treatment is the total opposite, and when I first started it was extremely difficult. However, it’s been the best treatment I’ve ever had.

OCD is stereotyped as being extremely clean, and everything needing to be in the correct spot. Whilst that can be true, people don’t grasp the crippling anxiety that comes with it. There are so many aspects of my diagnosis that I, nor people around me, knew were OCD.

I don’t think there are any really good representations of OCD. You’ve got movies that have characters with OCD, but it seems to be used more as a quirky trait rather than a mental disorder that affects every aspect of your life. People using the phrase, “I’m a little OCD!” creates the narrative that you can even be ‘a little bit’ OCD. There definitely needs to be more awareness of what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is; the symptoms, the treatments, and just the reality of how it affects people that go through it.

I wish people knew that it’s not something you can turn off. There are days, weeks and even years where things seem and feel easier. However, as life changes, the triggers can change.  

A friend can help by just being a friend. Learn what OCD really is. Be understanding that the anxiety is not something they want, nor can always control, and it may make them want to avoid certain situations. As a friend, just be there.