“I find it easier to disclose the fact that I had depression and anxiety to people rather than OCPD.”

I first began to notice that something wasn’t ‘right’ when I was in my first year of my PhD. It’s a research PhD, so often people have said it’s quite lonely, because everyone’s work is different, and basically you’re on your own with the research. At first I thought it’s just cold feet. Luckily the university I was studying at (I was abroad, not in my home country) offered a counselling programme. I thought, “Why not? I’m a student here. Let’s just try the counselling session.”

It was a casual chit chat with an assistant psychologist if I’m not mistaken; I mentioned my symptoms about being nervous, scared, and I forget what else. Mostly like thinking I’m not good enough for the PhD programme and second guessing myself. The person I spoke to offered me sessions (six, maybe) with a clinical psychologist, which I attended. At some point, she (the clinical psychologist) referred me to a psychiatrist in the university’s Student Health Centre.

Following an appointment with the psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but not severe. I was offered medication, but I refused. Being a foreigner and student at the same time, I wasn’t really sure about it, mainly due to the side effects. I was scared if the medications had negative side effects, and I had no access to a professional.

I think I was okay for the rest of my first year. Second year was stressful, but I managed without any visits to counselling. The third year, I felt something wasn’t right again. This time, it was a much stronger feeling. I was also dreading the dissertation and PhD thesis defence. I also felt like not wanting to socialize with the majority of the students and researchers in the Uni. I felt really shy and avoided the crowds.

Almost always during my PhD, I felt like I had to double check everything before I left the lab. It’s like a compulsion. But because the situation demanded me to be meticulous and thorough, it did feel normal.

Then the pandemic happened in my fourth year, just before my dissertation submission and defence. I had what I can only describe as a near mental breakdown. With the lockdown, my introverted tendencies made me into even more of a loner and I preferred living in isolation, although I actually am not too sure if the symptoms were noticeable to others. I thought it was just the nerves of knowing I had to do my PhD defence.

I did the defence and got my PhD parchment. One thing that felt really noticeable in the aftermath was that I felt numb. Like I couldn’t feel happy. It was like my entire body shut down after my defence and I slept for nearly a day.  I knew it must be something serious. The dentist diagnosed me with bruxism (teeth grinding), and my teeth were in bad condition as a result. Not to mention I often had really bad headaches in the morning, especially during my last year of study. It’s too bad I went to the dentist and figured out the whole bruxism thing right after my PhD. If only I did it sooner, I might have saved myself from a lot of headaches in my PhD days.

I was still in the midst of pandemic and lockdown at this point. And instead of getting better, my mental state was getting worse and I had no idea what to do. I eventually went home (to my home country) and visited a psychiatrist.

I got diagnosed with depression, and with anxiety (the depression is more intense). I took medication and was offered therapy; mainly psychodynamic talk therapy. Then after a year, my psychiatrist said my depression was in remission. However I began to notice things like racing thoughts, catastrophising and my mind being erratic and restless. I found it hard to focus on things.

As it turns out, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCPD as she believed I met the criteria. She also thought it was OCPD because she observed my habits are rather egosyntonic. Anyway, we had a long discussion about OCPD. My psychiatrist explained about OCPD to the point she showed me the criteria for OCPD and which ones she thought I fit.

She said after depression, sometimes the personality comes out more clearly. I thought that the whole being nervous about things wasn’t right, and that obsessions and compulsions were part of the depression… but no. It’s OCPD. It’s my personality, not my depression. What I think matters the most is that I have a professional who can help me face my mental issues. I’m also on medication.

I used to conceal the fact that I go to the psychiatrist and therapy regularly. Only a few trusted people knew, until I had panic attack during a short getaway with my cousins, aunts and uncle. My brother was there and he didn’t say anything either. In the end, I just accepted that I couldn’t hide the fact that I routinely go to the psychiatrist and therapy. I let people know – the ones that I think are quite open minded – that I go to the psychiatrist and to therapy. But I do not necessarily tell them the diagnosis. My father knows because he went to a session with my psychiatrist, as he wanted to know what is wrong with me. But I think they’re all still unaware about what OCPD actually is.

My closest friends from my undergrad, and from my middle school, used to joke that I had OCD because I was so particular about certain things and doing things a certain way. But because of the nature of my study, nobody pointed out that it is a disorder- my field of study requires me to be meticulous in following procedures in the lab, but they didn’t know how hard it was to have compulsions, such as checking whether I locked the door, leaving things as they should be in the lab, making sure the equipment is off or running smoothly, making sure measurements are correct, etc. Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts as well.

I’m not really sure about stigma around OCPD, but the misunderstanding is probably that people think OCPD is the same as OCD. Honestly, I find it easier to disclose the fact that I had depression and anxiety to people, rather than OCPD. It explains my gap in my resume and it serves as the main reason why I needed therapy. Mind you, I’m not disclosing the details of my mental issues to everyone I know. I’d rather keep it to myself, for fear that I look like an attention seeker.

As for something particularly helpful outside medication/therapy, I’m a big fan of Lego. It kind of helps me going through my compulsion of orderliness. I can build something with those bricks as neat as I like, and as orderly as I want. It also helped me because it has instructions, which I can follow if I want. Or I can just build as I like. I like jigsaw puzzles too, where I can be as thorough as I want- I can sort the pieces as I wish (by the colours, the shape, the edges, etc). They all help me channelling my OCPD/OCD traits without disturbing others. To be honest, I’m not sure if my OCPD traits actually disturb my family or friends, they’ve never told me.

Where I live, I don’t think OCPD is represented in the media. I am under the impression that most people consider OCPD is OCD. I think people’s understanding about mental issues is still lacking, and again, where I am it’s still considered as taboo. I’d like to see that OCPD is portrayed as normal humans with different ways of thinking; a bit more complicated way of thinking, perhaps, but we still function as humans. And sometimes, having certain traits has its advantages.

I’d like to see that the strictness around adhering to the ‘rules’, or the lack of flexibility in OCPD, is not considered as ‘old fashioned’ and a bad thing in itself because of our not wanting to change. It’s just the way we are.