“There is nothing in how I act that would suggest I have a personality disorder and I want it to stay that way.”

I didn’t know I had BPD when I first started out as a teacher. I’d been in the mental health system for many years and had been given probably every diagnosis going over the years, from depression and anxiety to PTSD and bipolar. The fact is that no ‘label’ really fit what I was experiencing which is when I ended up with my ‘dustbin diagnosis’ of BPD.

I say this, as I felt like I was given the diagnosis after psychiatrists exhausted all of the more acceptable conditions. To this day I have never received any effective treatment. I was offered medication (Fluoxetine- a mood stabiliser) but it was completely unsuitable for my symptoms and had no impact. When I explained this, rather than looking at other options, I was simply described a higher dose each time until I was on the maximum, which is when I decided to stop taking it. As for talking therapy, I was given a generic number to call to speak to someone. Having had family members with BPD, I knew the only effective treatment was dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT).

When I asked about this I was brushed off, and told that it wasn’t on offer in my area. When I saw a different psychiatrist, they said it was, but I wasn’t ‘bad enough’ for them to refer me. Since then I have had no contact with mental health services. Not because I am non-compliant or disengaged- terms often used when talking about treating BPD- but because there has simply been no attempt made to reach out to me and based on the reluctance I’ve seen from professionals so far to deal with me, I’m not going to reach out to them anytime soon. So I live my life without any support for my condition, which works as well as you can imagine since the responsibility for handling my condition is down to me.

I haven’t disclosed to my employer or (obviously) my students. As far as I can tell, nobody has noticed. I’m a good- some may even say great- teacher. My performance reviews have always been positive, I’ve made rapid progress since I started teaching and my observations have always been either good or outstanding. I have really good relationships with my students and parents and I am respected and liked by my colleagues. I am well presented, articulate and professional. To the kids, I am compassionate, approachable and fair. There is nothing in how I act that would suggest I have a personality disorder and I want it to stay that way.

Although my school is very good with mental health, I worry that if I reveal any perceived weakness, it could impact on my career aspirations. I’ve seen it happen to other teachers at other schools when they disclosed depression, so a personality disorder would be out of the question.

Day to day, life with BPD can be hard when you work in a school. I’m lucky- I’m in a good school. I can’t even imagine how a teacher with BPD would begin to cope in a tough school. For some reason, even with the most confrontational students, kids don’t trigger me. My problems are with adults. I don’t handle conflict well, and my BPD makes me very sensitive to things like the way people speak to me.

When I was younger, if I thought someone had slighted me or was being rude, I would explode with anger. Because I know this isn’t an acceptable social reaction, over time my go-to response has been to cry. Not ideal, but it’s much easier to cry in a cupboard over a disagreement than to repair the professional damage caused by screaming at a colleague. The plus side is that it makes me much more aware of how I deal with other people- because I’m so sensitive, I assume others are too so I try to treat people how I would want to be treated.

Another issue is criticism. This is an inevitable part of teaching yet something I regularly struggle with. I have always been a people pleaser and I hate the thought that I’ve disappointed someone or let them down, so I am hyper vigilant of making mistakes to try and avoid it. Criticism can absolutely crush me, whether it’s about my work or someone points out a mistake I’ve made. The same if I’ve upset someone with something I’ve done, where I instantly assume they must hate me. It can cause me to spiral and get dragged into negative thinking patterns where I convince myself I’m terrible at my job or a terrible human being, and I then start to consider impulsive actions like quitting my job or worse.

I also replay negative interactions in my head constantly. They go around and around on an endless loop and I will obsess over situations and interactions for days, weeks and sometimes even months. I know logically that it’s an overreaction and disproportionate but I can’t control it. Again, it can be a plus in that it makes me avoid conflict as I know what it can lead to.

A major difficulty associated with both of the scenarios above is that once I have negative emotional associations with a person, I can’t rid myself of them. It’s essentially like holding a major grudge, although it tends to be emotional rather than out of anger. It has also happened with colleagues I’ve had disagreements with, where just being around them causes me to relive the negative feelings I experienced at the time of the conflict. This means I often go out of my way to avoid them so I don’t have constant emotional reactions triggered by being around them. It’s been picked up on a few times and I’ve been accused of being petty or unprofessional. But I don’t know how I can explain my behaviour without revealing I have BPD.

There are many ways that teaching actually helps with managing BPD. It provides me with stability and routine and a sense of purpose. School holidays can be very difficult as I tend to become very low without structure in my life, and I often worry about what would happen if I ever lost my job. I genuinely don’t think I would cope. Because I’ve not had a sense of who I am for so long, being a teacher has given me the only identity I know. I never worked before I got into teaching, I did it straight from university. I did one shift at a bar whilst I was a student and quit- I found it too overwhelming.

I have to be careful, as I can become very obsessive with work in an effort to avoid those chronic feelings of emptiness associated with BPD. I do have real workaholic tendencies as I find that distraction and keeping busy helps stave off the worst of my illness, but there have been several times when I have come very close to burning out. That said, if I’m having a difficult time outside of school, the moment I step into my classroom it’s an escape from real life. I love the banter with my students and I can honestly say teaching is the best job.

Teaching  allows me to explore my interests and I teach several different subjects. I can be very changeable due to my impulsivity and have dabbled in lots of hobbies and interests. It does mean that it has allowed me find common ground with people and given me a really broad knowledge of many topics, which people have said makes me easy to talk to.

However if I have a bad day, this can trigger my impulsivity in a really negative way. It’s not unheard of for me to blow hundreds of pounds on a credit card, or head to the kitchen and binge eat until I’m sick, or drink too much on a weekend. I have major issues with self-control and it’s at its worst when my self-esteem is low or I’m feeling anxious.

I also find I identify well with the students I teach. The ones with issues tend to gravitate towards me and share their problems. It feels good to help them work through things when they’re having a hard time, but it can be quite wearing emotionally. I don’t have the resilience that most people seem to have and because of my heightened emotional sensitivity, I can find that it gets on top of me quite quickly and becomes consuming. I’ve had disclosures before that have been really disturbing and triggered some horrible memories and feelings.

Like most people with BPD, I have experienced trauma in childhood and adolescence. I would never turn a student away though. I just deal with it as best I can. I read somewhere that when you’ve been through trauma, you kind of get ‘stuck’ mentally at the age bad things started to happen to you. I definitely feel like that’s true for me and I wonder if this is what makes it so easy for me to empathise with my students.

I think, coming from a family where a relative has BPD, seeing negative reactions to them and their condition has put me off wanting to tell anyone. I’ve met other teachers online with BPD but I have no idea if I work with anyone who has it. If they are as good at hiding it as I am, I doubt I would ever know. I pride myself on holding it together at work- I’m probably classed as very high functioning. It takes all of my energy to uphold my image at work.

At home, I’m a mess. I’m in poor health overall due to my diet and drinking, have a huge amount of debt thanks to impulsive spending and my relationships aren’t great. I’ve been single now for nearly three years. My last relationship ended due to my workaholism. I never told my ex partner about my diagnosis. I just never felt comfortable doing so. In fact I’ve never told a partner, and I’m fairly sure they’ve never suspected. I am very jealous and suspicious, but I never verbalise it, and because I’ve never lived with a partner, it’s been easier to hide. Friendships are also pretty much non-existent. In my teens and 20s my friendships were full of drama and constant falling out and making up, but as I got older, they drifted away as they settled down and I never tried to make more. It can be lonely, but as long as I have teaching, I know I will have something to keep me going.