“Some days I feel like bipolar’s puppet.”

I’ve felt like something wasn’t right my entire life, but my moods started to really form their ups and downs around my teenage years. I’d have periods where I’d feel like I was on top of the world, as if driven by a motor and being really productive and creative. But these were always followed by a deep depression that was all-consuming.

Sometimes hypomania manifests as irritability- making me snappy with a conflicting, uncontrollable urge to be productive- but the depressive symptoms make that impossible. This sort of mixed episode is the most uncomfortable feeling for me – like my whole mind and body is on fire and I can’t do anything to stop it.

During hypomania I have experienced racing thoughts, pressure of speech, delusions, paranoia, anxiety, elation, increased energy and decreased need for sleep. Depression will come with suicidal thoughts, self harm, little movement, no energy or drive to do anything, increased sleep, increased or reduced appetite, and unrelenting sadness.

My partner has found it hard to keep up with me during hypomanic episodes and I have become suspicious of his intentions before. I’ve also been frustrated at how slow he was talking, but in actual fact it was just my brain and mouth working at a million miles an hour, yet I would swear blind it was him just talking slowly.

The ups and downs have left holding down a job (even self-employed) a struggle, as I would rely on hypomania to get things done and then go completely off the radar during the lows.

This is also true for my social life. I will be really extroverted and talkative during hypomania, then drop completely off the radar when depression hits. I would go weeks without responding to friends- sometimes even months- and everything would just become too much.

True hypomania for me is like my body is running on a never ending battery. I feel wired and like I can’t stop – I have a mind filled with ideas that seem absolutely amazing at the time, but rarely pan out that way once I’ve come down.

I feel confident and beautiful and outgoing during hypomania. It’s like the world is suddenly in this vibrant array of technicolour and everything is wonderful, like I’m high on life. I can go to bed utterly miserable and then wake up at 4am high as a kite on life itself and it can last weeks.

It took years to get the right diagnosis, I was given a suspected diagnosis of EUPD, depression, GAD and panic disorder right until a year ago when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, and then everything kind of just made a lot more sense.

I felt really conflicting emotions about my diagnosis. Whilst it felt good to finally know what was wrong, I feel the stereotypes modelled in the media made me feel ashamed of my diagnosis. Very few people in real life know I have bipolar.

I definitely feel like there is still stigma surrounding Bipolar Disorder. The media portrayal has painted a picture that people with Bipolar Disorder are unstable, violent, unpredictable villains, when this is not the case. They suggest that those with bipolar are to be feared, which impacts willingness to understand the disorder within society as it is largely missed in mental health campaigns to reduce stigma, as the focus always tends to be on anxiety and depression.

I definitely feel as though bipolar is amongst the most misunderstood and stigmatised illnesses along with other disorders which encompass lesser-understood symptoms such as psychosis. Many people in my life know I suffer from depression, but very few know I actually have Bipolar Disorder.

I wish people understood the magnitude of this mental illness; the unpredictability of how awful I’m going to wake up feeling out of nowhere, and how using terms such as bipolar or manic out of context, or as adjectives, does a severe disservice to those actually suffering with these things. People with bipolar aren’t dangerous or violent or scary. They are absolutely more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else.

Some days I feel like bipolar’s puppet. I feel like I am not in control of how utterly terrible I could feel when I wake up, or equally how high I could feel. The depression feels like forever and I pray for hypomania to come and lift me back up, but when that comes it is just as bad but in different ways. I feel at mercy of this illness and the very thought of the fact it is lifelong- even when medicated- is terrifying.

If I had a magic wand in the pit of depression, I’d wave it, but I lose such sight of myself during the highs that I’d argue I didn’t even have bipolar in the first place. I think for the most part I’d chose to make it disappear, but ultimately I fear I wouldn’t have the same empathy and compassion for other people if it wasn’t for the bipolar.

I also fear never feeling the euphoric highs again. They are addictive. I’ve even found myself trying to trigger them in the low lows, just to survive. It feels like a trauma bond- the highs are addictive, and at times I crave them. Bipolar depression on the other hand is disabling. I live for the highs and brief periods that entail some semblance of stability.

I feel like I’m blindfolded on a rollercoaster that never stops.