“It’s difficult to focus in class or complete homework with the intrusive thoughts and anxiety.”

I knew something was off at around 10 years old. I was experiencing depressive and anxious thoughts, but didn’t start speculating that I may have OCD until the age of around 14.

I actually looked into it because I had been picking my skin excessively. I’d found out information about dermatillomania and many sources described it as a form of OCD. Very quickly though, I noticed my social awkwardness festering into persistent intrusive thoughts (in increasing intensity), especially taking a hold of my romantic relationships. I can laugh off some thoughts, but easily the hardest symptom to deal with is the physical anxiety.

My OCD definitely makes my relationships more difficult, considering it’s largely what I fixate on. At my fast food job, I’m often too busy to think about it, but it’s definitely made school much more difficult. It’s difficult to focus in class or complete homework with the intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

After a few months with a therapist, we had very much established the amount of anxiety and repetitive behaviours I had in my romantic relationships. I was nervous to tell her I suspected I had OCD, because I didn’t want to be wrong and look ‘stupid’. Once she made a passing comment comparing my situation to OCD, I finally told her I’d been thinking about that and she offered to go down the diagnostic criteria with me.

I was very lucky to have a professional and kind therapist. She tried to help me find an affordable place to get medication, but I found one myself. Now that it’s been a few months, I definitely notice a difference when I’m on vs off my meds. I still get plenty of intrusive thoughts on meds, but the physical anxiety doesn’t accompany it as often/intensely, so it’s easier to continue my day.

Ironically though, I stopped seeing my therapist because of my obsessive thoughts. She tried her best to be inclusive but it was still very clear she didn’t see me as my gender (I’m nonbinary). I couldn’t move past the misgendering no matter what she said. So we concluded I should get a therapist who is nonbinary themselves. Now I haven’t been to therapy in 3+ months. But I can applaud her for the ways she did help me a ton.

I’ve found that distracting myself can definitely help me calm down. I doubt that it’d become a situation of avoidance, because I’m an introspective person so I’m going to think about it at some point.

I still hear people saying, “I’m so OCD about…” or they think OCD is exclusively germaphobia. The severity of it is downplayed way often, and people think you can just turn off the thoughts.

I wish people knew the way my OCD manifests isn’t just me being ‘crazy’ or insecure. I’m fully capable of holding myself accountable and I try my best to be a good person. It’s just that it’s… a disorder! By nature it is difficult not to give in to compulsions, and it takes repeated efforts to help control them long-term.