“I learned how to let go of clinging to people, or expecting them to be my hero.”
I’ve known I had Borderline Personality Disorder for about 20 years now. It’s hard to believe I’ve known for so long. In some ways so much has changed and improved that I forget I even have it- until something happens and sends me over the edge. Then my emotions come back and I’m overwhelmed with despair.
It’s different now though. I used to react to my sadness with anger towards other people. Then, I’d feel bad and even worse- alone. Eventually, I’d physically hurt myself. People would ask me why, but I never had an answer.
Looking back, I guess I did it because it just felt like the right thing to do. I was a monster and I knew it. I’d cut myself so that I could feel physical pain instead of emotional pain. I’d just aggressively cut until I felt steady again. Cutting was my form of punishment and relief. It was my favorite way to deal with my pain and even now after all of these years of recovery, it’s still the first thing I want to do when my pain gets the better of me. Seeing all of the self-inflicted wounds just somehow validated all of my negative beliefs about myself.
I never got professional help for my BPD. I read a lot of self-help books and they taught me how to live with this. I learned how to let go of clinging to people, or expecting them to be my hero. I figured out how to appreciate being by myself. Discovering how to enjoy being alone is really what saved me from feeling lonely. It was a step into loving myself and not relying on others to constantly make me feel worthy or loved.
I still struggle with BPD but it’s different compared to the beginning. I’m still very moody. I still dwell on lost friendships and relationships. But instead of taking my pain out on others, I take it out on myself. I’ll isolate when I’m depressed because I don’t want to bother my friends and which leads to me spiralling even more. I’ll convince myself that I’m a shitty person and no one cares. It’s almost impossible to pull myself out sometimes. Maybe I’ll always struggle with feeling like an unlovable burden.
Some days are easy. Some days I want to die. Most days are stable, or at least manageable. I just have to accept that I’ll always be like this. I’ll always have big emotions. My sadness will always feel like I’m lost in the sea, just trying to stay afloat.
It’s actually OK though. I’ve been there before and I know I’ll be OK again one day. Life is hard, but learning to just allow the ups and downs of life to happen makes those BPD moments of despair seem less painful.
