“I made stupid major decisions during episodes of mania.”

I first noticed something wasn’t right when I was about 27 and I went through my first mania-induced psychotic episode, which was swiftly followed by depression. I started researching into Bipolar Disorder but I didn’t get a formal diagnosis. It took another 11 years until I got a formal diagnosis after a second episode of mania-induced psychosis.

On a day to day my symptoms change according to my episodes and to the seasons, whether I am in a place of stability or mania/hypomania or whether I’m going through a depressive episode.

When going through a manic episode, I get a rush of euphoria and increased sensitivity to colours, smells and emotions going on around me. I have grandiose ideas and plans and think I am invincible. I have decreased need to eat or sleep and get to work with tonnes of new ideas of new plans and new ventures.

When I’m going through a depressive episode I feel panic attacks, paranoia, depression, anxiety as well as increased sensitivity. I feel lethargic and hopeless.

Looking back though, things were not right when I was 14 years old. I was self harming and suicidal with an eating disorder. I got my diagnosis when I was hospitalised with psychosis and was told it was mania induced.

I explained that I thought I was bipolar when I look back at my life and the psychiatrist agreed with me. So I would say it has not been straightforward getting a diagnosis and I felt stigmatised into going and getting a formal diagnosis when I struggled before, hence why I feel so strongly about advocating about mental health now.

I’ve been able to achieve huge successes during episodes of hypomania in education, work and relationships. But it’s also caused traumatic losses in work and relationships. I left my work during a psychotic episode where I was paranoid and felt my colleagues were all plotting against me. I made stupid major decisions during episodes of mania, such as leaving my long term partner and father of my children and my secure work.

Mostly people have been very supportive and empathetic but my brother refuses to see my illness as an illness and he seems to think I’m at fault. I’ve overheard someone calling me ‘psycho’ from the local town too.

I think there is less stigma than what there used to be, but it’s still around. I think there is an assumption that bipolar people are aggressive and unstable but with the correct treatment plan, people suffering from the disease can live stable happy successful lives.

I wish people understood that it is an illness. You can’t just switch depression or mania off. But with a healthy lifestyle, medication and therapy, we can live a stable life.